Unreasonable Rage

It is a good thing I am home alone today. I think I would have killed another human being if there had been one within reach.
It took every fiber of my being to not break something expensive, also.

What could possibly cause this amount of unbridled rage? What could be so horrible as to make me want to smear blood on the walls and scream like a banshee?

You would think, or like to think, that it was something epic. Something so mind blowing that no jury in the world could put me away for blowing up entire buildings.

No.

No this is a special rage only seen for the most ridiculous of events. Today's rage-out was brought to you by me trying to stuff a resume/application of seven pages into too small of an envelope.
Yup. Nations could have been destroyed today because I could not get my papers to go nicely, or professionally into the envelope I had available. To add to this, the bombs were going to drop because my scanner has decided that it no longer scans important documents (or any, for that matter, I am not sure. All I know is that it seems to be on strike), it is lucky I like it as much as I do, and that it is as expensive as it is. It almost died today. *glares*

Watch yourself printer...this could be you...

I don't know why this well of rage started to spew forth at this doll sized envelope. I don't know why I couldn't get the guts up to ask the landlord if they had a normal sized envelope I could have. I am not even sure I am qualified for the job. Now, however, due to this monstrosity of an event, I am not only sure that I won't get this job, but I will never get ANY job. This teeny envelope has cursed me to a life of disability checks for ETERNITY. I don't know what I did to piss of suck strange gods, but I hope they are happy watching me flail with the envelope, scream at it, and start rage crying. I hope they are happy.

Tiny Envelope Gods are scary indeed

Fuck you Archer

Yeah, I said it. Fuck you, Archer.

Just in case you don't know who/what Archer is, Archer is a cartoon on FX that is aimed at adults. 99.9% of the time it is funny, nay, hilarious! Last night, however, I watched the one episode that wasn't funny. At all.

In case you have seen the show, the episode I am talking about is the one where Archer gets diagnosed with male breast cancer (Season 2, Episode 8, in case you were wondering). The basic premise, in case you haven't seen it or don't plan to, is that Archer's mother Malory goes in for a Mammogram. Archer decides to get checked out, too, and they find a huge lump. Archer is diagnosed with breast cancer. While terrible, it changes his whole attitude, he is going to "stay positive" and be nicer to those around him. Archer gets it removed, the Doctor says they got it all, and then everyone goes off to celebrate.

During the party at his flat, he gets a call from the Doctor. The Doc states that he was wrong, and that the cancer has spread to his lymphnodes. Archer quickly falls into a deep depression, and starts handing out deathbed confessions like candy at Halloween. Just as he is about to get to Lana, the female lead, and confess (or not) his undying love for her, the phone rings again. It's the Doc! He got the charts mixed up! Archer is going to be fine and is totally cancer free! YAY! Celebration begins again.

Then, as one might expect. The phone rings a few moments later. Oops, it's the Doc again. Turns out he was wrong, again, and that is HAS spread to his lymphnodes. Crying again, more deathbed confessions, once again skipping Lana.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

The sad thing is, I feel like this has been a lot like my life for the past few months (even years, if we are really getting dramatic). With my Mother and my Aunt both battling breast cancer, and now cancer in their livers, I feel like their various doctors have been throwing us on this same roller coaster. Yay! You beat breast cancer! You are fine! Nothing to worry about! This felt especially true, because just like Archer got a lumpectomy and was "fine," the same thing happened with my Mom. She got a mastectomy and was "fine." No need to even get regular scans to see if anything had spread. That would just be silly.

Then, WHAM! Oops, we were wrong, you aren't fine, the cancer has spread to your liver. It is now totally eating your liver, and you have seconds (well, weeks, but you get the idea) to live. They told us it has probably spread to all of her lower half.
But wait! They were wrong! It's just in her liver! Or is it? Perhaps it has spread? No...wait...it's...um...just...oh let's just do chemo and hope for the best.

That has been a roller coaster, too. Yes, it's working. No, it's damaging the rest of her too much. Yes the levels are going in the direction they should! The levels started at 100, no, 1,000, no, was it 10, 000? Is that possible? Well, now they are at 100. No, 75? Wait, 10? 100? Is that a kitten in your liver? You should do more chemo. You shouldn't do more chemo. Yes, but no, but maybe yes?

FUCK! Make up your damn minds! You went to ALL the schooling! All of it! You are a specialist in CANCER for crying out loud, and you have no idea what you are talking about. I feel like the Doc's are either crying on my Mom because she is at death's door, or throwing themselves ticker tape parades because they figured out what numbers her levels are actually at.

Not to mention my Aunt. Luckily she has a great support network, and a very fierce couple of daughters. Which is good. I would have snapped one Doctor's neck, after slowing roasting his eyeballs over a spit (with them still in his head) and popping his eardrums with needles.
I won't say what he said, or how he said it, but needless to say he is one of the worst doctors on the planet. My poor Aunt seems to have the worst luck when it comes to that, she has had a few very horrible people. To be fair, she has also had some AMAZING doctors and nurses, and she seems to be doing a lot better. Which is good. She has been on a hell of a roller coaster with her cancer, too.

So, while Archer was probably meant to be hilarious, it hit WAY too close to home for me. While the flip flopping phone calls all in the matter of an hour were funny to some, it was so much like real life that I thought I would cry, throw up, and break something expensive all at the same time.

Honestly, I am not sure why I am telling you all this. Mostly to get it off my chest, I guess. A chest, by the way, that I am increasingly paranoid about. I thought I felt a lump last week, and almost ran to the doctor. After a lot of further inspection, I figured out it was my ribcage. I have been so chunky for so long that when I felt something, I assumed the worst. There is no way it could be bone! Now I feel stupid...and glad. I don't want to be that girl in the office every five minutes because I am scared of the cancer demon.

In conclusion, fuck you cancer episode of Archer. The rest of the show is still very watchable, just this episode sucked. Also, more importantly, fuck you cancer.

The Usual

I know I said I was going to post every day. Or at least more than once in a blue moon. Or at all. I just haven't felt like writing lately.
Not much of an excuse, but there it is. I feel like all I would write down is negative and whiny crap that no one wants to hear, thus annoying the few readers I do have, and annoying myself in the process.

So there's that.

I also don't want to jinx what feels like the only good luck I have. Like, if I talk about what is good in my life, monsters will come and destroy it all, then laugh while I go back to being a depressed puddle on the floor.

Instead of writing about my MANY failed attempts to gain employment, or how my mother is doing, or how my aunt is doing, or how I feel I may never leave this Hotel California apartment, I shall leave you with a cat video, and perhaps I shall write again. Sooner, rather than later.