Directions

This may just be a variation on an old theme, but, then again, what isn't these days?

OUCH!

Last week I went to dinner with my friend, The Cop (more on him later). He and I were chatting about a variety of things, life, loves, bullets, and poker, when he hit me! He smacked me right in the face WITH WORDS! He said, in the nicest way possible, that he would never date me because I seemed to have no drive. No direction in life. I had no passion for something/anything. I was taken aback at first, my mind a tornado of excuses for why I am not out saving the world...but maybe they were just that, excuses.






I have touched on this here before...I am not working for a list of reasons. Right now, I am not conquering the world because;

Cancer Demon, is that you?

A. My Mother and my Aunt are both in the battle for their lives against Cancer Demons. This draws most of my focus, even when I am not with either of them.

B. I am pursuing a Masters in Crimonology, but have discovered that I am useless in online classes. I am now looking into a classroom environment, but want to wait until A. is resolved.

C. Agoraphobic. Seriously. It's harder than it looks. I have been having a panic attack about writing this blog! I panic getting in the car! Conquering the world means going outside, which is not always possible.

This is sort of how my head feels

I had others, but due to the panic attacks I know have a migraine. HOWEVER, I have come to some decisions, and DO have goals, and life plans. I am not just rotting away in my apartment. I know it looks that way, it is hard to show quantifiable proof of progress when most of the stuff I do is on my own.






My New Years Goal was to go outside and be more social. Again, this is harder than it looks, and it is a lot harder to show progress to others. No one really notices, "Hey! You didn't leave the house for a few months (other than for groceries once every couple weeks), and now you go outside almost every day! Good job!" To the outside, it doesn't seem like much, but to me it is huge progress. I literally FORCE myself outside sometimes, but I still go. I have to. Leaving the house and not being a crazy person when I am outside is a lot like a full time job for me. Sometimes getting out of bed makes me feel like I deserve a ticker tape parade, let alone driving to the dreaded DOWNTOWN!

Downtown

 Still, though, with all these "accomplishments" and things I am working on, when I get hit in the face with a comment like The Cop's, I start to feel lost. What am I doing? Where am I going? What do I want to be in five years? In five weeks?

Well, let me tell you! I will NOT be rotting in some apartment some where, telling myself that this is another "rebuilding" year, and that I will be stronger later. NO! I am mentally and physically working out now, so I will be stronger to do all of THESE things;

1. This is a big one....
I want to get an RV, much like these, and travel the US (and around, if I am lucky). With a 4wd RV, I would be able to see ALL the things! This then moves into the main goal, which is to write for a living.

2. I want to write articles for magazines on fly fishing. Traveling around in my sweet RV, I will fish all the places, write about it, take some photos, and submit them to magazines. Get published, make a dollar or two, and start working on the MAIN main goal, which is to...

3. Publish books. Yup. Not just any books. The Main main goal is to go to roadside attractions at night, take pictures of said attractions, and write a quirky story about the attraction. I had a cool title for my coffee table book, but I won't share it with you! What if you steal it! So...I want to write a book about roadside attractions as seen at night, I ALSO want to write a book about fishing in cool places. I could do it, I really think I could. I just have to get on it.

Poker Cat drinks too much...

There you have it. One domino effect of goals. There are other goals, such as being a Poker Pro (which I could also use the sweet RV for, and still do the fishing and roadside thing), and just generally being awesome. I have thought about going back into the Criminal Justice System, and maybe I will. I feel like that is always an option, and one I would be good at, but not sure I want the soul sucking heartache and stress that it brings. So there's that.

I don't know, maybe this is all just ridiculous, maybe I am just rotting away. I used to be, I don't feel like I am anymore. Besides, I never wanted to date The Cop anyway! So who cares what he thinks! Except I care when it comes to stuff like this. Well, everything, really. Over-thinking is a super power of mine after all...