Flake

Everyone has setbacks.
Even your favorite Agoraphobe. ESPECIALLY your favorite Agoraphobe.

This weekend was disappointing. I have a feeling it was to a few folks, not just me.

As you may have noticed, I have been in hyper-drive lately. Going outside ALL the time! Cleaning ALL the things! Joining social groups! Making commitments with time (which is one of the scarier things for me to do...more on that later)!

Epiphany?

However, I do not have the best memory, and often forget to take a day off. Maybe I am too afraid I will relapse into never going outside again, so that drives my hyper determination to go outside, even when I am terrified to do so. *epiphany!*


This weekend I had made plans with two different folks. My BFF and his lovely wife, and my Aunt. One night I was going to go watch a movie with my Aunt, another evening I was going to go hang out with the BFF and his lovely wife. I was pumped! Outsies! Well, my brain decided it had had enough of this outside malarkey, and made other plans for me. Stupid brain.

I know how he feels, or felt, I guess

Friday I got myself showered, got some treats together to take to my Aunt's, and was just chillin' enjoying the lovely weather we were having when BAM! My head exploded. I am no stranger to migraines, not my any means. Migraines controlled my life for a LONG time...but this one seemed different. For one thing, I had no warning at all. I was minding my own business, then it was like someone shot me in the back of the head with a shotgun! I couldn't see out of one eye, blinking was maddening, and nothing was working to make it go away. Drugs, caffeine, another shower, lying down, nothing!
I postponed my plans with everyone until the next day, thinking that with a lot of time in bed I would be better the next day.

LIES!

The next was just as bad! I felt like I was going to throw up, and I couldn't stay out of bed for more than half an hour at a time, and that was pushing it. I went to lie down, totally forgetting my plans with my Aunt.

So, at 7pm-ish when she texted me, I felt horrible. I had done it again. I had flaked out totally, and let people down. I had let myself down. I hate that feeling, and it happens way too often. It is a little better than it used to be, but obviously still an issue. Sure, I had a "legitimate" excuse, but I still disappointed someone counting on me. Again. I disappointed myself. Again.

This is one of the huge things I have been working on. I never want something like this to happen, and I thought I was "better," because it hadn't happened in a while. I felt like my memory was getting stronger, like I was getting braver, and that flaking out wasn't going to happen anymore.

However, I am trying REALLY hard to not beat myself up about this for a month. Like I have been known to do. Yes, it sucks. Yes, I flaked out, again. Maybe I can learn from it? Not try to be SO hyper about going outside all the time, try to understand and know my limits, so that MAYBE my head won't explode with such ferocity...OR, if it does, to be better about communication and letting people know what is going on, before I am two hours late for something. I have to remind myself, too, that everyone has setbacks. I am not perfect, and that doesn't make me a bad person. Right? It is really hard to not spiral out of control into depression when something like this happens. Maybe that is my lesson this time? I am not a horrible person who was better off dead because I slept through an outing (I don't think that this time, but that thought has cropped up in the past).

If I disappointed you, flaked out on you, or inconvenienced you at all, I apologize. A lot. Maybe next time will be better? *sigh*