So...much...adventuring!

So...much...to write! Pictures to post! Things to share!

In a few days I will have a few posts about adventures I went on in sunny and exotic TUCSON ARIZONA!!!
:-)

Until then, Happy Holidays! <3

The Agoraphobe Tours the Brewery Part II

Part II:

Earlier this week my friend the Bar Manager and I went on a whirlwind tour of a few of Colorado's finest breweries. Our Epic Adventure included a trip to the Odell Brewery in Fort Collins (as described in Part I), as well as a brief trip to the Fort Collins Brewery and with a grand finale at the Oskar Blues Brewery in Longmont.

After touring the Odell Brewery, the Bar Manager and I skipped down the street - arm in arm - down to The Fort Collins Brewery. Ok, maybe we didn't actually skip arm in arm, but we could have. We were kind of hoping to take a tour of their brewery while we were there, but they only do tours on Saturdays, and it was a Tuesday. We could see the brewery through the glass windows in their restaurant, Gravity 1020, so we we were able to catch a glimpse of their beer magic.

Fort Collins Brewing Company

While there we grabbed a quick snack, and yes, another beer. I had something dark with a hint of chocolaty goodness, and the Bar Manager had something dark with a hint of something...else that was delicious. Our snack, however, was A LOT more memorable.

The Bar Manager introduced me to Poutine. "Fresh-cut french fries smothered in Kidd Lager mushroom gravy and topped with cheddar cheese curds" with some steak added. Sweet Baby Cheesits this was one of the most delicious things I have eaten in a long time. The mushrooms melted in my mouth, the fries weren't too soggy, and the cheese was delectable. A true delight!

After out wonderful appetizer and beer, we trucked on down to Longmont for dinner. I have been to Oskar Blues a couple of times before, but I have to say that going with the Bar Manager was a totally different, and much better experience. He makes everything an awesome adventure.

A cool lamp at the Oskar Blues

For dinner at Oskar Blues, I had the BB King Burger with a side of mashed potatoes, because that's how I roll. The Bar Manager was a little better about his dinner diet, and had the Jambalaya. I washed down my incredible burger with some of Mama's Little Yella Pils. After all the dark beer of the day, it was a refreshing and light change. Not normally something I enjoy, but I loved the pairing with the burger.

I love lamp

I had heard of the Tasty Weasel, but had never been in. I convinced the Bar Manager to stop in with the promise of Skee-Ball. Not to pass up a chance to show off his mad skills, we swung by after our delicious dinner. The Bar Manager had just recently had a Tap Takeover at his bar, The Archive Room, with Oskar Blues as the star. It was a huge success, and it was neat to see, and try, some of the beer that was featured at his Takeover. He and his bar are also planning on having their holiday party with Oskar Blues, and after eating at the Homemade Liquids and Solids restaurant, the Bar Manager was hoping to incorporate dinner into his holiday event. I had thought that they might also visit the Tasty Weasel, if the Skee-Ball was worth it...but first, our reconnaissance mission to the warehouse hole in the wall bar.

Skee-Ball and Beer? Don't mind if I do!

Little did I know when we walked in that the Weasel was actually the BREWERY! Of course a lot of the operation was done for the evening, but it was a really neat surprise to see the brewery dwarfing the seemingly small bar. After grabbing a handful of peanuts, another dark delicious beer, and some quarters, we found our way to the Skee-Ball. After a few "practice" rounds, and getting schooled by an eight-year-old (why there was a child in the bar is beyond me...), the Bar Manager started to get into a groove. I was impressed with my score of 220, but after hitting the hundred mark a few times in a row, I was quickly dominated. Turns out the Bar Manager has mad skills!

Yup, the Bar Manager PWNED me

He went to the bar to get more quarters, leaving me to marvel at the brewery next to me. The warehouse/brewery seemed huge! I wished I could see more of it, and made a mental note to find out tour times for the next time I was in Longmont.

The Bar Manager came skipping back (not really, he's just so energetic that I imagine him skipping through fields of hop flowers) and asked me if I had ever met The Gubna, of the famous Gubna IPA beer. I said I had not, and suddenly I was whisked away to meet one of the founders of Oskar Blues, The Gubna! The Bar Manager told The Gubna of our adventures throughout the day. The Gubna was a little shocked that I had never been on a brewery tour before that morning, and insisted on taking us on a personal, private brewery tour RIGHT THEN! How could a girl say no?! So, after grabbing another pint of delicious dark beer, we were off!

It wasn't running, but this is the super rad bottling machine

Just Chillin' wit' The Gubna

There are not enough words to describe the experience; Impressive, Wondrous, Marvelous, Delightful, Sense-sational! It was so good, I have to make up words. We learned about the expansions of the brewery, where the company was going next (and in what states), and about their unique flavoring process. Being on such an intimate tour of the brewery with The Gubna couldn't have been any better....or so I thought! While we were investigating the wine barrels and discussing various tastes to come from them, The Gubna pointed to a man in workout clothes talking on a cell phone, "Hey brother! What's happenin'?" Brother? As in Dale? Of DALE'S PALE ALE?! Yup, the one and only. So not only did I get to meet The Gubna, but the Bar Manager and I had the distinct pleasure of meeting Dale! He was incredibly nice, gave us some more fun facts, then we were off again on the rest of our tour! It was like meeting a celebrity, only kind of cooler.

One thing that really struck me while we were hanging out with The Gubna was how in tune with his business, and his people, he was. Every single person, whether it was the dude mopping the floors, the man operating a forklift, or one of the brewers, The Gubna knew them all by name, and was genuinely happy to see all of them. A warm hearty greeting was given to each person he saw, and that meant more to me than the types of hops used...a man who is that passionate about his company, and that good with his employees, is really something. I could gush on and on about it, but I will just leave it at the fact that I was impressed.

After we were done with the best brewery tour a girl could hope for, and the Bar Manager was able to get some more contacts and "work" done, we were pretty tuckered out. We managed to finish our beers, play a couple more rounds of Skee-Ball, then we were headed home.

All in all the Epic Brewery Tours were just that, Epic. I went from knowing almost zero about brewing, to having met and walked with some of the founders of some of the best beers in the country. Learning their histories, smelling the hops, seeing the processes involved, it was pretty mind blowing, in the coolest way. I am now more than a little obsessed with learning more about the brewing process (I might even dabble in making my own...or...or not), and I am more than a little obsessed with learning more about ALL THE THINGS! I want to go on every tour of every factory, ever. I want to know how tattoos work. I want to see candy being made. I want to go to NASA and learn about space travel! I WANT TO KNOW ALL THE THINGS! I would even leave the house again to do it all. The tours not only awoke the desire to learn new things again, which is exhilarating in itself, but it also made me actually want to get outside and do it, made me EXCITED to go outside, and not scared or ashamed. That is worth more than all the barley in all the breweries combined.

The Agoraphobe Tours the Brewery Part I

Yesterday I went on an EPIC ADVENTURE!
My friend the Bar Manager and I went on a day trip north, and investigated a couple of different breweries. The plan was just to tour one, but we ended up touring two, and seeing a third, and have tentative plans to see ANOTHER brewery later this week.

It. Was. AMAZING!

The first stop on our Epic Adventure took us to Odell Brewery in Fort Collins. The Bar Manager has some contacts in the beer world, as one might expect, and had called his rep from Odell to see if he was around to say hi to. He wasn't, unfortunately, but he was able to put in a good word for us.

Seasonal Brews

And so pretty!

We were able to sample all the beers on tap in their tap room for free, which was mega awesome, and we were extra lucky in that the tour we went on was just the Bar Manager, the Tour Guide, and me. Our own personal tour of the brewery! AND we were able to bring a pint with us as we toured! OK, so I think they give you a pint for the tour no matter who you are, but I still felt special. We even caught a glimpse of Mr. Odell himself before our tour, though were weren't able to meet him...this time.

"Regular" Brews

I prefer the far right, and the two middle

On our tour we learned that Odell was started in 1979 by Doug Odell. Mr. Odell began crafting beer in his kitchen, perfecting two specific recipes; 90 Shilling and Easy Street Wheat. In 1989 he began to expand, buying an old grain silo to start brewing on a more commercial level. Eventually his wife and daughter joined the business, and helped it grow. Eventually the Odell's moved from Seattle to Colorado, and in the early 90's they began working out of their new 8000sqft brewery. Now the company has over 67 employees, and in 2011 crafted 58,000 barrels of beer! The history of the company made me fall a little more in love with them. Going from a kitchen in Oregon to a (hopefully) household name is neat to learn about, not to mention inspiring for a humble little baker.

I learned so much about the brewing process, and some of the experimental side of things. Odell has a "Pilot System" that allows all the employees to create their own beer. Our wonderful guide told us about one of the "grunt" workers at the brewery. She and her boyfriend had some in and made a test batch of beer, I *think* it was a double chocolate espresso beer, and sampled it to the other employees, and the in the tap room. Her beer was such a huge success that not only does she get to do it again, Odell is planning on crafting it on a large scale and selling the beer! I love to see that kind of creative encouragement, recognition, and pride in a company, that really won me over. I especially liked that the tour guide made a point to tell us the story, and point out the girl. I know I would be so proud of myself, and my company, if I created something that was so well loved that they decided to market it on a mass scale while still giving me credit for the creation. Very cool.

After learning about the perils of being a flower fluffer, how hops are now coming in as pellets in some cases, watching the beer get labeled and boxed (a favorite of mine and the Bar Manager), and that you can create a brew in used wine/whiskey/tequila barrel, we finished out our tour back in the Odell Tap Room. There were a few things I would have liked to try while we were there, such as their hybrid, "Friek," but I am positive I will try that on my own. The tour was a great experience, I was able to learn so much about brewing, beers in general, and getting the opportunity to try them all was a real treat. If you are in Fort Collins and looking for a fun time, I highly recommend checking out the Odell Brewery!

This looks DELICIOUS!

And this was just the first stop! Stay tuned for Part II - Homemade liquids and Solids, with a side of Skeeball!

Days Like Today

Days like today make me feel especially...stuck. Words like useless, lazy, and boring come to mind, but nobody likes it when I throw those words around. Days like today also tend to get me into trouble. I end up feeling like I could be doing more with my life, which I probably could, but instead of taking this to a healthy level, I go overboard. As with most things. Go big or go home! RIGHT?! Um....

One of the things I do when I get like this is I start applying for jobs. Not simple jobs like checker at the market, or cat squeezer at the shelter...

No No No! I go BIG! I apply for Government jobs, like I used to have. I have a degree! I have experience! I can totally go back into being a Probation Officer, or try to get back into being a cop. Sometimes I get wacky and start applying for dream jobs in investigations.

Inevitably this will end in disaster, one way or another. Either I will get myself worked up, and end up depressed because deep down I know I can't do this type of work right now...OR I will get a rejection letter in the mail - confirming that I am not capable of doing the things I used to do...OR, and this might be the worst of all, I will get an interview.

Maybe I will get the interview! Maybe I get in there, and either bomb totally - thus again reaffirming I am incapable of being a human in the work force right now (along with a huge list of other, possibly irrational, thoughts and fears), or...I will get the job. This is where things really fall apart.  

I will work really really hard to do well. Like most folks, right? This will possibly lead to another breakdown. I will do everything in my power to prove to my new job, and to myself, that I am a capable human, and that they made the right choice AND that I can be a functioning member of society once again.  

At some point I will need to learn something new. I will work REALLY hard to comprehend what is going on, and retain the information. When this does not happen, I will panic. Feeling stupid, I will try to get the information again. At this point I will worry that I seem stupid, or need extra help and
training, which will frustrate my new supervisor. I will then try to overcompensate and learn it EXTRA HARD! Which, in turn, stresses me out, and I will retain less and less. At this point I realize I am not perfect, and this begins to upset me. I may try to avoid this, or more likely, I will work harder and harder and harder. Until my brain begins to explode. I will get one headache, maybe two. Or maybe just a dull pain in my head that doesn't go away but also makes it hard to focus on the task at hand.

For example, lets say I am working in a bakery. I have been shown how to do something over and over, and now get to do it on my own. I will focus so hard
that I might not notice little things, like my arm being seared off in the oven. Yes, that actually happened. I was so focused on the task at hand that I did not feel the pain, or notice the smell of burning flesh until my boss pointed it out. I get so over focused, and hyper vigilant in weird ways, that it becomes almost impossible to focus on any one thing, instead trying to do all the things. My brain will stop forming complete sentences in thought, I will lose time (like doing one thing, then coming back into focus and finding out that four hours have gone by and I have NO IDEA what happened during that time), and I stop sleeping altogether. I over analyze how work went, how I reacted to situations, how others reacted to me, why they reacted the way they did, and what I can do to be better at my job. Sleeping pills don't work, booze just gets me drunk, then I sober up and am still right there hoping for sleep, and so on.

Wait, which number was I on? Now I have to start over!

Eventually I will either quit, to try to save my sanity and work on getting back to some what healthy, or...I will get fired. Getting fired is one of the
worst feelings in the world. I am a failure. They know I am a failure. They never want to see me again. I am incapable of completing the tasks they have
given me, and there is no hope of me doing a better job. Getting fired from the working at the probation department was one of the worst days in memory.
I worked so hard, it was my first real job after getting my degree. It was in my field. Six months before I had been given a stellar review, and was told that I was up for a promotion. Then I crashed and burned and got fired. I had been hallucinating at work, my headaches were so bad I couldn't read, and I never slept. I wanted to be perfect, but mentally I broke down - causing the rest of me to break down, like the T1000 slowly shattering as he tries to reach John Connor. Except I don't put myself back together quite as smoothly as he does.

 

This, I fear, will happen again if I get the job. But I never remember any of this on days like today, only that I am sitting at home, not being a functional member of society, and hating myself for it. So, I apply for all the jobs I can find, and start my cycle anew. 

I am hoping, however, that by putting all this in writing, that I won't go through that cycle again. At least, not today.

Windows

When I was growing up, I never understood some of the needs of my grandparents. One very serious need was for a TV, and adequate cable. For the longest time I never knew why, I always saw TV as a luxury...sitcoms to pass the time, America's Funniest Video's for a chance to see a cat video, that sort of thing. I knew it was important to my Gran, but never thought about the reasons why. I remember being so frustrated because I would be in the middle of watching something, and she would come out and change the channel to what she wanted without asking, often being a little upset that I was watching anything in the living room.

My Grandmother was also agoraphobic, and had difficulties leaving the house. As far as I can remember, she never left the house alone, she always went with my Grandfather. Months would go by where she wouldn't go further than her yard. She would sometimes go shopping, but a lot of that was done with catalogs and on the Home Shopping Network. She would write grocery lists, and my mother or grandfather would go to the store. If grocery delivery were more of a thing in the mountains where we lived, I am sure that would have happened on occasion, same with take-out (growing up in a small mountain town meant no pizza delivery, or Chinese. I think this is one of the reasons why I am so addicted to them now).

Being an adult who has agoraphobia, I still don't have much of a need for TV. The internet, however, I cannot live without. While most see it as a luxury to get online, it is a real need for me. The internet is really my only window to the outside world. I get the news, weather, updates on friends, order clothing, plan my groceries, deal with my Medicare and SSDI, order prescriptions (when I have them), and track Doc appointments (as well as watch cat videos, play games, and chat with friends). Without the internet, I am stuck. I can already hear what you are thinking, "oh you can live without the internet, just go outside! Get the paper! Meet friends for lunch, call the Doc's, go to the SSDI office, etc" This is where I smack you in the face. Ok, not really, but the whole point of agoraphobia, along with the other ailments, is that I can't leave the house. I will describe more of that later, as that is not the point of this blog.

The point of this blog is that I now understand my Gran's NEED for TV. It was her window to the outside world. She could track the news, weather, find out what was going on in the whole rest of the world. With her TV she could learn new things, follow new trends, and stay connected. I often joked that she knew what was going on before it was happening, and I think a big part of that was because she was able to connect to the world through her window. I know that without mine, I feel lost, less intelligent about the world around me, and I fall into myself. I get stuck focusing on my crazy, and less on how to work on it. I feel isolated, and that scares me.

So when my computer starts to break down, I break down right along with it. It's hard to describe without sounding petty...not having a computer means complete isolation. I might as well be a hermit eating moss off the walls, and talking to shadows.

Advice

A friend of mine from High School just got her first "big kid" job. She also has some agoraphobic tendancies, and asked for advice.

This is what I told her:

Hey!
First of all, congratulations on the big kid job! Where are you working at?
Getting hired is a huge accomplishment in itself, so hooray!
I have been trying to think of sage like things to say for the past day, or so...so...here goes:
Do not plan the rest of your life around this job. Or the rest of the year. Or even the month. Go day to day at first, or week to week. You are already very accomplished at working so I am not sure what advice I can give that you don't already know.
I do know, however, that I tend to get obsessive about being perfect. If I am perfect at my job, they will not notice my panic attacks, or they will then I am weird but amazing so they won't worry. I then burn myself out really quickly, because no one can be perfect every minute of every day.
Reward yourself for "little" accomplishments. If you like Starbucks, make sure to get one on a rough morning or afternoon. "I got up, put pants on, left the house, and showed up to work today, I get a treat." Being able to reward yourself for little things goes a long way. Especially on days when the little things turn into Earth shatteringly hard things, like when pants are seemingly impossible to find, or driving seems terrifying. WHEN you accomplish your goal (getting dressed, making it to work, saving the planet - whatever your daily personal goal is) REWARD YOURSELF! Get a new pair of hello kitty socks, get a Starbucks, eat your favorite dinner. Something to prove to yourself that you kick ass.

Do NOT start to expect outside praise. The rest of the world will not be as impressed as I am that you made it to work without crying. Although, if ever you need moral support of a pat on the back for something, you can ALWAYS come to me. I will do my best to be supportive and not sound like I am diminishing your success for the day, week, year, etc.

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! You have a brain quirk, it doesn't make you a bad person. Or a crazy person. The only analogy I can come up with is this: If someone loses a leg, and therefor they have a hard time completing a task they could easily do before, you don't get mad at them. They aren't a bad person because the lost a leg. They are just challenged a little more in completing the marathon than the person with two legs. HOWEVER, a man with NO LEGS won Olympic medals. It look a lot of work, and I am sure he was terrified for parts of it, but he did it.
Some people require insulin because their bodies do not produce proper levels on their own. That does not make them crazy, or bad, or less of a person. It just means they have to be more aware or their limitations and their personal needs. Such is the same with you. You are a great person. You are incredibly bright, you are strong, and you are hilarious.

YOU ARE NOT crazy, or defective.
People who do not have agoraphobia have a very hard time understanding agoraphobia. Another analogy I use is this: Ask them if they have ever had stage fright, or pre-game jitters if they played sports. If they have, ask them to really remember that moment, how they felt, what their reactions were, what their physical selves felt like. If they are able to recall that, then let them know, in a nice way, that that is what going outside feels like. If they can remember their anxiety, they are better able to relate to yours. They still won't fully get it, but it's a start. (Riding on planes is a big one for people, too...or if they have been to a haunted house).

Lastly, don't get mad or upset with yourself if you have a rough day. It happens. It will happen. You just sorta fake it till you make it...But don't beat yourself up about it, it happens. Some days it rains, some days it's sunny, and some days are just days.
I don't know what else to say. You are a strong woman. You are beautiful. You are SMART. You can do this! If you need anything at all, want to talk, or need a hug, I will do my best. You got this. Now kick some ass!

I hope it helps her. I hope it helps you understand her and I a little better. I hope I remember what I told her, when I am having a rough day. 

Back Story - Groups of Friends

Hello! 

Welcome to the First Episode of Adventurous Agoraphobe Back-story!

In these side blogs, I will supply snippets of my life and explain in depth some references I use in other blogs. Hooray!

Today's Episode - Groups of Friends, and Term Definition of the Day

Term Definition of the Day - Snarky: Sarcastic, slightly mean, irritable, and defensive. Mostly sarcastic, and slightly defensive in my terminology.  

Groups of Friends - Nerd Group: This is a group of people I have known since I was about 13ish. There are about five or six people in the group and their spouses, as well as "fringe friends" who sort of come and go from my universe and this group. 

I met most of them at the Renaissance Festival when I was just a wee lass, and started hanging out with, dating, and sometimes gaming with a lot of them. I met my BFF through this group, too. He and I were inseparable for the longest time, he was the Silent Bob to my Jay. 

These kids play a lot of Dungeons and Dragons, World of Warcraft, and a few other games on a regular basis, are all happily married for the most part, and are all wildly successful, devilishly brilliant, and often intimidating. To me. Because I am not wildly successful, hardly ever been known to be brilliant, and I couldn't intimidate my way out of a paper bag (which is hard to do, by the way. Paper Bags are a lot like Honey Badgers...)

I only call them the Nerd Group because of the games they play. I play them too, just not at the same level they do. The understand a lot more of the inner workings of games, how to better achieve success, and can keep up with all the stats. I like to play as a kitty, or play to get a kitty, or nap through D&D sessions with a kitty. I do not mean Nerd in a derogatory way AT ALL, but rather, an affectionate and in awe sort of a way.

CICS/High School Group:  This should be pretty self explanatory. I went to High School with the people in this group. They are also devilishly brilliant, most are on their way to being highly successful, and most are happily married. I met more of my closest friends in High School, and I am lucky to still be friends with the majority of them today. Yay Facebook! 

Most of the people in this group are adult goth, goth industrial, industrial, dark humored folks. Sarcastic, smart, and a few will fight their point to the death.

This is not CICS.

I am sure there are other friends I should put into groups. Or other smart/witty things to say. Or videos to post. However, my brain has decided to shut down, and now all I can accomplish is looking at cat videos on youtube. So, with that, I bid you adieu! Until next time!

The above video is HILARIOUS! I love Stevecash83 on youtube, and this is the video that started my love. Enjoy!

Never That Bad

I AM VICTORIOUS!

That's right, dear reader, I went to the party. I had a good time! I was one of the last to leave!

As usual, I stress out way too much about an event before I go, psyching myself into not going. If I do manage to get past myself, and go, I usually have a good time. Of course, I over analyze everything after, often for a day or two after, sometimes for forever after (oh man if only this were a joke), but it is usually worth going to the thing.

Laughing and frolicking Santo Style

Last night was so much fun! It reminded me of the days when I went out and had fun on a whim, laughing and frolicking in the towns and the cities. Well, maybe not frolicking per se, but you get the idea.

I managed to get  my make-up looking decent (after fighting with my eye make-up for what seemed an eternity but was actually probably five minutes), only changed my shirt three times, and got into the car. The six mile drive was very easy, and even parking was not something to be sworn about. I even brought a gift! Granted, it was a hand made gift, and maybe my hosts don't like origami, or the colors of the paper, or...

One of my biggest personal accomplishments was that I said hi to everyone. This seems like a nothing thing, I know, but I even remembered their names. "Hi (insert friend name here)" or "Hey (so and so) it's great to see you! How's the ____ doing?" Not only did I say Hi, remember names (when I am nervous or panicky, even though I have known you for years and years, your name will fly out of my head and I internally explode from the forgetfulness), I remembered key facts. Like where someone worked, or how their pet was doing. I was on FIRE! Not literally...of course...that sounds unpleasant.

 I was also not alone in my...um...nervousness. A guy I have known since the dawn of TIME (meaning that I have known him - and the rest of this particular group - from when I was a very young teenager...like 14...) seemed just as nervous as I was. Which was shocking to me. I have always seen everyone in this particular group, let's call them the Nerd Group (in an affectionate sort of way. I will discuss the three main "groups" in my life later), as being strong, brilliant, uber successful, and not afraid of anything. I never think of them as having any sort of anxiety, these people own the world! They have houses, and cars, and probably buy frivolous things like ice cream and hats. Or ice cream hats. I have spent a large chunk of my life aspiring to be like them, or at least to fit in better.

All the rich and successful people have Ice Cream Hats.

ANYHOO....As I was saying...I never see any of them as having any sort of anxiety of problems. So, when I was feeling a little panicked, and was outside talking to a few people (strategically placing myself next to the back gate for easy escape), this friend of mine came out of the house with the same panicked look in his eyes that I had! He then said something about how there were way too many people in the house. Could it be true? Am I not alone? Could this pillar of a man know what it's like? I dared not hope. He had been kind enough to make me a margaretia, and when I had gotten swept up into a tour of my hosts house, he even delivered it to me! I had heard rumors that my friend didn't like social events, but I just figured he didn't like people, not that they made him nervous. Maybe he doesn't, maybe I am reading too much into it, but it felt really nice to know I wasn't alone in my social scaries.

Everyone else, all my friends from the Nerd Group especially, were wonderful! I managed to hold conversations, catch up with people, and no one was mean or snarky to me! I think I even managed to not be too snarky myself! I feel like I should get a Gold Medal in Socializing!

Gold Medal for Socializing, Witty Banter, and Not Being Too Snarky *bows humbly*

There were a few people that I was sure were going to be mean, or snarky. The last time in interacted with one gentleman, it ended very poorly. As it often does when I talk to him. He was there at the party, and I almost ran away, but he said hi and then I never saw him again. Maybe he ran away? Maybe his kids were tired and they went home early? Maybe he was inside socializing for hours, then left? Maybe he went to the Moon, with Steve? Whatever the case may be, he wasn't there, so it wasn't awkward for either of us for very long, which I am immensely grateful for.

All in all, it was a great time. Thank you so much to the hosts of the wonderful party! If they have an event again, I will be a lot more likely to attend, as it was a great experience. Maybe next time I will bring cake. Or cookies. Maybe I should try something Gluten Free, just in case....or juice? Oh man...(I will not stress out about a party that hasn't been conceived of yet. I will not stress out about a party that has not been conceived of yet...I wonder where I could get a good gluten free cake recipe....GAH!)

Another Party...Another Panic Attack

Often I will feel that the best way to describe a feeling, a situation, or a (insert thing here) is with outside material. Songs, pictures of kitties with captions, etc.

This will be no different. Also, don't worry about giggling. If anything here makes you laugh, then I am successful. If you learn something, then I am like a GOD! Well, Google is like a God, in a weird computer Pantheon kind of way...anyhoo

Back when I was younger, it seemed like I could go to parties and events with no problem. I was always out of my house doing SOMETHING. Working, going out, committing sins in my youth...so now when I don't do seemingly anything, one of the first questions I get asked is, "Why? You used to go out all the time."
Yes. Yes I did. That, in part, contributes to why I don't go out now. More on that later, though.

I wish I had a rational explanation, something that would enlighten you (and me, probably) as to why I started to withdraw more and more, eventually getting to where I am at now. Some sciencey types say that my particular...um...ailment has a usual onset of around 25-30;

Causes, incidence, and risk factors

The exact causes of panic disorder and agoraphobia are unknown. Because panic attacks often occur in areas or situations where they have happened in the past, panic may be a learned behavior. Agoraphobia sometimes occurs when a person has had a panic attack and begins to fear situations that might lead to another panic attack.
Anyone can develop a panic disorder, but it usually starts around age 25. Panic disorder is more common in women than men.

Yeah, not that helpful, I know, but that's the short and sweet of it, courtesy of PubMedHealth. 

I know a plethora of personal reasons for why I panic, or probably why I panic (I will not start to panic about talking about panicking...I will not start to panic about talking about panicking...) but I will go with the science types. Genetics? Probably. Situational events? You bet. Current irrational panic adding to the mix? Absolutely.

With this somewhat brief explanation in mind, you would think that I would not beat myself up so much about panicking about going out. Well, you have never met an irrational thinker! HA!
Case in point: One of my best friends bought a house with his lovely wife, who is also a great friend of mine. They are having a house warming party today, and have been kind enough to invite me. When they invited me weeks ago, I graciously accepted. Sure! No problem! I will be there with pants on (Pants, I find, are more appropriate than bells)!

Today is the party. I woke up hyperventilating. There are people invited to the party who I am pretty sure hate me. Ok, you're right, hate is a strong word. More specifically they find me over-dramatic, obnoxious, immature and probably rude. They have every right to feel that way, as often these are all defense mechanisms I find myself falling into when I seem to be in this particular group. A common defense mechanism of mine is also sarcasm. I am so SO accustomed to using sarcasm, that I often don't realize I have said something snarky until it is already flying out of my mouth with no hopes of redacting the statement.

I will also have to drive to the party. It is approximately six miles from my house. This distance might as well be the Moon, or Tucson, for the ease of travel. I am already worried I will magically run out of gas (I have half a tank, roughly), that I will blow a tire (all four are new), that the car will catch on fire for "no" reason (I used to set the Subaru on fire all the time without meaning to. Silly pyro car), or that I will break down/crash/get lost. This may not seem like something to stress out about, but right at this exact moment I have $1 to my name, and I need that to buy cat food, not pay for a tow truck. Which I couldn't afford anyway, unless today is National Free TowTruck Day, which I doubt, I think that's in February (if it isn't a thing, it should be).

Also, I have a strange need to bring something to a party. Something freaking PERFECT! The World's Greatest Cake! Cookies that Cure Cancer (they don't, but I wish they did. I would bake those bastards all the time and hand them out on street corners. Or get someone else to give them out, as giving them out requires going outside and talking to strangers....)! Something else amazing that would cause the party to forget for a moment how socially inept I am, or awkward, and focus on my amazing baked delicacies. They would do the talking for me. "Isn't Genna amazing? She made me, and I am the best cake you have ever eaten. She must be some awesome person..." It seems to say.
I do not have anything to bring to this party. Just me. Cat hair covered, wild eyed, and anxious. Hooray! Every party should have one!

I would bring a cat with me, if I could. Like a service animal. If THAT is not a thing, it really needs to be. Then I could be the crazy cat lady in the corner, with a hissing cat, wild eyed. Wait...maybe that won't help my situation after all. Meh. Worth a shot, I say. 

So here I am. About to put on some make-up, quickly brush up on a little of EVERYTHING because Gods know what someone might try to talk to me about; Current events? How to play Quidditch? The stats of the current sports whatevers? Pi? Anything that isn't what my cats did this morning that was cute to only me?

Here I go. Getting ready to leave my house. Alone. This is a hell of a lot easier when I have someone to go with, but as I am not able to bring a cat, or a friend, I get to test the limits of my mental strength all by myself. Wish me luck! And please, please, PLEASE remember that it's not you that makes me feel this way. It's me.

Let's try this again

Hi there.

I have made a few attempts at keeping a blog, and have not been very successful. I either lose interest, get too dark, or both.
SO! Third times the charm! I plan to write about my various adventures, misadventures, and so forth. Don't get TOO excited, a lot of my adventures end up with me panicking in my house covered in cat hair. However, if you are interested in reading about a girl covered in cat hair worrying about a wide variety of silliness, then this is the blog for you!

As always, feel free to ask ANY questions. I am more than willing to answer anything you might want to know, and will do my best to keep the answers brief and to the point.

Ok, here we go again! Wish me luck!