Everything is going really well. REALLY well.
I have finally busted back into the work force, and am working a "dream" job of mine!
S and I are very happy, or, at least, I am very happy in my relationship with S. We are finally all moved into our place together, and we have been having a lot of fun decorating and putting things where they go.
We got a KITTEN! A KITTEN! IN OUR HOUSE! He is so sweet and awesome (more on him later).
So...with all this great stuff going on, why do I feel like throwing myself off a cliff? Why do I want to ball my eyes out at the drop of a hat?
Maybe it is because I keep having nightmares, like I used to. When I went "crazy." Every night another vivid fight with a family member, or someone telling me how inadequate, useless, worthless, and unattractive I am. Sometimes it's my ex. Sometimes it's family. Sometimes I have nightmares about old failed careers and forgotten goals. Every once in a great while it is someone trying to hurt me. And yes, the nightmares about abuse in the past. Huzzah. Thanks a lot brain. With this, I am not getting "restful" sleep, and wake up upset and on edge.
Throughout the day I try to pull myself out of this stupid funky feeling, only to get beat up emotionally in some other way. Mostly it is me that does the beating, it's true, but sometimes it's outside sources. The biggest thing I am beating myself up over is my new job.
I applied a year ago, tested in March/April, interviewed a month ago, and started a week ago. Government work takes a while to get into...and it is not an easy process. There was testing, interviewing (as I mentioned), and more testing! A polygraph test and everything! I passed all the things with flying colors, and was even accepted into one of the more coveted positions. I was hired at mid-range, even, not starting! But, I am terrified I can't do it. My headaches are back in full force, I am already not sleeping, and my retention seems minimal at best. On the way in on my third or fourth day, I had one of the worst panic attacks I have had in a few years. I couldn't think straight, I couldn't see straight, and I thought for sure I was going to pass out or throw up.
This, of course, has sent me into a wonderful hate spiral. If I can't do this job, what am I good for? If I can't do this job, will S hate me/resent me, as others have done before? I doubt it, but this also resurfaces all my trust issues. I don't trust myself to hold it together...I am afraid I will lose everything and everyone. Lose the job because I am a crazy person, lose the boyfriend because I am a crazy person, which in turn means I lose my living situation. Then it's back to the ghetto apartments, where I live out my life alone and crazy. This leads me to feel like I should just jump off the cliff now, avoid all the heartache and failure that is "inevitable." Again, thanks a lot stupid brain.
I have been dealing with my ex a lot lately, too. Well, dealing with is such a relative term. I have a lawyer helping me, but my ex still refuses to get my name off of our joint accounts, and is now claiming I need to pay him back for the gifts he gave me. Also, he isn't even talking to me, he is having his new girlfriend do it for him, which is typical. Although, somewhat surprising, as one of the reasons for him leaving me was because he told me he was gay. Weird to have a girlfriend when you prefer men, but maybe I am just not understanding what gay means. In "dealing" with him, it has just been the same emails back and forth, with no resolution. Every time I have to deal with an email, it reminds me that I am inadequate, unlovable, and broken. That I was sad all the time, and that I have to hide how I feel from people, or they will leave. That I am too far crazy for anyone to care about me, because it is too hard on them emotionally, again reminding me that I have to cover up how I feel, for fear of pushing people away. Not to mention the large amount of debt I am in now, because of him, which is keeping me from getting a car or any other type of credit loan.
On top of all this, I am fat. I have had enough people confirm this for me in the last week alone to know it's true, and that I am disgusting. A brand new coworker even said I could stand to lose 20lbs. Thanks. Now not only am I stressed about the job, I am upset because I am a tub.
So yeah. All the things in the world are going well, except I can't seem to focus on any of it. All I can see it the negative. All I can feel is the fear and pain and inadequacies. I can't enjoy the kitten. I can't enjoy the job. I can't enjoy the relationship. All because my brain is stupid, and I fall for it every time. Stupid brain.
