blegh

Yup. Blegh. I can't think of a witty title, and I don't want to be stuck here for a few hours, not writing anything, trying to think of a witty title. So there.

Super Powers! I think I need a bubble pipe, too

I feel like crap. Emotionally and physically. I have had a migraine now for what feels like an eternity. Have I always had this headache? Will I always have this headache? Is my headache my brain trying to come to terms with new super powers I am getting, and soon I will be able to read minds/do magic/fly? Or is it just stress, like it always is?

I am going with super powers. My brain is having growing pains because of the new super powers. That HAS to be it!

 It probably has nothing to do with the fact that I am, in fact, torturing myself to death.
How am I doing that, you ask? Well, let me tell you ALL about it!

First and foremost, I refuse to cry. REFUSE. In fact, I have gotten so good at NOT crying, that now I don't even think I can. Like my tear ducts have sealed themselves from lack of use. The little workers have packed up and found jobs elsewhere (like using lightning and jackhammers in my brain). Sometimes I want to cry, but then I mentally kick myself in the face, and buck up. Like a soldier.

He wasn't THIS bad...

When I was growing up, it was made VERY clear to me, at a young age, that crying was a sign of weakness. Being raised by a Marine from the 50's could be a little rough, sometimes. Especially when he was under a lot of pressure and stress. My crying would usually make whatever was going on a hell of a lot worse, so it was best to just never cry. Ever. MAYBE if we were watching a movie, and there was a really sad scene, you could MAYBE shed a manly tear (I am not a man, by the way. I am a pretty squishy girl, just in case anyone forgot). Otherwise you had to be strong, all the time, no matter what. Your Mom just died? Nope, no tears in front of the others, because THEY need to be able to cry, and someone has to be the strong one, and since you are pretty strong it might as well be you. You can cry later. Alone. In the shower. When everyone else is asleep.

I finally began to relax a little, and trust a little. Mostly after my Old Man passed away. I guess I figured he couldn't retaliate against me for crying, especially for crying because he had died... This didn't last long, however.
I never mention my ex-fiance. Mostly because he is not even worth mentioning. That, and I have nothing nice to say about him, and you know the old saying...BUT, he is important in this part of our story. SO, I was finally opening up and crying. I would cry on his shoulder. Which, at the time, I thought was acceptable. He and I were going to me married, right? I was going to sign a contract stating I would spend the rest of my life with him. *shudders* So, one should be able to show emotions to their soon to be spouse, yes? No. Apparently that is not in the contract.
I was mourning the loss of my Old Man, and had a lot of other bottled things I was dealing with that kept bubbling up. This was in the thick of my mental breakdown, to be fair, but I was at least crying about it, right? And not going to the hospital because I was hallucinating! I wasn't breaking things! I was finally getting a little sleep!
Well, apparently crying is still a sign of weakness. The ex-fiance said, in his long litany of reasons why I was a horrible human being, that one of the MAIN reasons why I was a horrible human being - and deserved to die alone - was because I was sad all the time.

Yup.

I was sad all the time. So he bailed.

My Old Man had recently (like that year) died. My biological father - who didn't even really know my name - had killed himself. My Aunt was battling cancer. My Mum was battling cancer. I had lost my career in a firey ball of ridiculousness. Now, I understand how you can think these might just be excuses, as he said they were. Maybe they are excuses. Maybe a grown Agoraphobe shouldn't cry in front of anyone. This was why I was "sad all the time," though. That, and, well, my fiance was a **comment deleted for obscene language, violence, and partial explosions**

I know how stupid that sounds. I know that crying is important and whatever else you are about to tell me. HOWEVER - I do not think in LOGIC! That is just silly! So, because I have never had any real luck crying, I just don't now. I feel like maybe this makes me a little bit of a sociopath, and adds to the whole "No one will ever love me" thing. Because...I don't cry...so...right. Anyway... Don't get me wrong, I don't think you are weak if you cry. Quite the opposite! I am happy to console (or try to, I sort of fail at being consoling. I make the stupid consoling face and never know when to hug or man-pat), and hear you out. I think you are a strong person for showing your tears to me, and I even feel honored sometimes when someone feels safe enough to cry in front of me. I know, I sound like a hypocrite because you are allowed to cry - sometimes encouraged to - and I am not. Like I said, though, someone has to be the strong one. Might as well be me, right? ESPECIALLY if you need to cry. The LAST thing you need to see is me crying, too, right?

Flake

Everyone has setbacks.
Even your favorite Agoraphobe. ESPECIALLY your favorite Agoraphobe.

This weekend was disappointing. I have a feeling it was to a few folks, not just me.

As you may have noticed, I have been in hyper-drive lately. Going outside ALL the time! Cleaning ALL the things! Joining social groups! Making commitments with time (which is one of the scarier things for me to do...more on that later)!

Epiphany?

However, I do not have the best memory, and often forget to take a day off. Maybe I am too afraid I will relapse into never going outside again, so that drives my hyper determination to go outside, even when I am terrified to do so. *epiphany!*


This weekend I had made plans with two different folks. My BFF and his lovely wife, and my Aunt. One night I was going to go watch a movie with my Aunt, another evening I was going to go hang out with the BFF and his lovely wife. I was pumped! Outsies! Well, my brain decided it had had enough of this outside malarkey, and made other plans for me. Stupid brain.

I know how he feels, or felt, I guess

Friday I got myself showered, got some treats together to take to my Aunt's, and was just chillin' enjoying the lovely weather we were having when BAM! My head exploded. I am no stranger to migraines, not my any means. Migraines controlled my life for a LONG time...but this one seemed different. For one thing, I had no warning at all. I was minding my own business, then it was like someone shot me in the back of the head with a shotgun! I couldn't see out of one eye, blinking was maddening, and nothing was working to make it go away. Drugs, caffeine, another shower, lying down, nothing!
I postponed my plans with everyone until the next day, thinking that with a lot of time in bed I would be better the next day.

LIES!

The next was just as bad! I felt like I was going to throw up, and I couldn't stay out of bed for more than half an hour at a time, and that was pushing it. I went to lie down, totally forgetting my plans with my Aunt.

So, at 7pm-ish when she texted me, I felt horrible. I had done it again. I had flaked out totally, and let people down. I had let myself down. I hate that feeling, and it happens way too often. It is a little better than it used to be, but obviously still an issue. Sure, I had a "legitimate" excuse, but I still disappointed someone counting on me. Again. I disappointed myself. Again.

This is one of the huge things I have been working on. I never want something like this to happen, and I thought I was "better," because it hadn't happened in a while. I felt like my memory was getting stronger, like I was getting braver, and that flaking out wasn't going to happen anymore.

However, I am trying REALLY hard to not beat myself up about this for a month. Like I have been known to do. Yes, it sucks. Yes, I flaked out, again. Maybe I can learn from it? Not try to be SO hyper about going outside all the time, try to understand and know my limits, so that MAYBE my head won't explode with such ferocity...OR, if it does, to be better about communication and letting people know what is going on, before I am two hours late for something. I have to remind myself, too, that everyone has setbacks. I am not perfect, and that doesn't make me a bad person. Right? It is really hard to not spiral out of control into depression when something like this happens. Maybe that is my lesson this time? I am not a horrible person who was better off dead because I slept through an outing (I don't think that this time, but that thought has cropped up in the past).

If I disappointed you, flaked out on you, or inconvenienced you at all, I apologize. A lot. Maybe next time will be better? *sigh*

EPIC TUCSON TRILOGY, Episode I

For a few years now I have wanted to go to sunny and exotic Tucson. The sites! The sounds! The WARMTH! Not to mention I have a gaggle of friends down there that I needed to see.

Getting down there is...ah....a little more than difficult. Between finances sucking really hard, and...well.... the fact that I literally can't get out of bed or the shower due to panic attacks sometimes, traveling 900 miles is rough. Being able to do anything once down there felt impossible. That, and there are giant spiders in Tucson. GIANT ONES! Hairy, scary, spiders. That is terrifying! (Actually, this LINK is terrifying. These are the scaries that live IN TUCSON!) Not to mention scorpions...Did you know they found a NEW species of Scorpion? Because I did. It is the ninth new species found in the last six years. *curls up and cries a little*

Needless to say, it took a little intervention from the Universe, A LOT of bravery, the selling of some things I was not sure I wanted to sell, and the kindness of some very great friends to get me out of my house and down to the sunny locale.

In December of 2012 I was finally able to part with some things that belonged to my Grandfather. This was a lot harder than I was expecting, and I was expecting it to be pretty hard. However, I was able to part with a lot of materials and equipment he obviously no longer needed, and that I was never going to use (he was always the fly-tyer). After paying off some bills, putting some in the bank, and giving some money to my mom, I finally FINALLY had enough money to go to Tucson! YAY!

I do, actually.

I packed my bags! Then I unpacked and re-packed my bags! I think I did this three times, of course stressing out about what I was going to bring, or not bring, or whatever. Would I need lots of socks? How many shoes would I need? Was I going to go to a fancy dinner?
And, of course, I was stressing out about seeing Mr. and Mrs. SassBuckets. I had been friends with The Sass' for years, but, as strange as this is to admit, we had never actually met in person. We became friends through a mutual friend of ours, The Trauma Surgeon (which is a clever nickname, he is not actually a Trauma Surgeon in any sense of the word), who I was also going to visit while on my trip.

So, there I was, ready to go! I was going to fly to Phoenix, take the shuttle to Tucson (the flight to Phoenix saved me roughly $200), then start my adventures with the Trauma Surgeon and the Sass'. All by myself! *struts* I felt pretty brave, let me tell you. I also felt sick, migrainy, and terrified...but I DID feel brave, so we are sticking with that. I managed to get to the airport with the help of my Mum, I got on the plane, and flew to Phoenix! I think I even managed a real nap, instead of a terror induced passing out! YAY!

After that, I found my shuttle, like a big girl, and started the rest of the trek to Tucson. I feel like I should omit that the Trauma Surgeon didn't acknowledge that I was on the shuttle until I was almost in Tucson, which had me terrified I was going to be at some bus stop somewhere in the desert, but...well...he sorta left me hanging for a good few hours while I was en route. 

As a Public Service Announcement, if you are receiving an Agoraphobe, please answer your text messages and/or phone in a timely fashion when they reach out to you. It makes things easier for you and them in the long run. The more you know!  

After a lot of looking at dessert (not at all imagining or searching for spiders), I was picked up safely from the Shuttle Depot, and there I was! In the sun! TUCSON!

Driving through the city to where I was staying was a neat experience. I finally got to see, if only in passing, the University of Arizona, where my amazing Aunt got her Doctorate! I saw a wide variety of Cacti! New places to eat Noms! So much excitement! My first stop on my Epic Tucson Vacation? The POOL! Yup, even though it was the middle of December, it was warm enough to sit by the pool, and that is exactly what I did. I dropped off the precisely packed luggage, and dashed over to the pool, dipped my toeies in, and was relaxed. It was AMAZING!

After a nice toe dip in the pool, the Trauma Surgeon and I hit the town!

***********************************DISCLAIMER***********************************

I have the memory of a Goldfish, AND waited too long to write this all down. I do not remember the specific order of when a lot of stuff happened. You and I should be happy that I remember the events! 

Slushy Air Fresheners. Yup. 

My combo slushi thing

In Arizona, and probably a few other places, they have a place called Eegee's. We don't have these where I am from, so this was an exotic treat! There sammich's were meh, but the slushi thing was delicious! I had a combo slushi thing, and I could have swam in it, it was so good! I should have gotten one of their air fresheners while I was there...Oh well, maybe next time.

We also toured one of the malls, which was...you know...like most malls. HOWEVER, there was a GIANT liquor store in the mall, AND there were *blushes* adult items available. In the mall! Where kids go!
Actually, you can buy booze just about anywhere in Arizona. Grocery stores, gas stations, the mall, everywhere! That was a real "culture" shock from Colorado, where alcohol is still treated like a back alley drug. I wish we could get real alcohol at the market here, that would save a lot of hassle! My little mind was blown!

Beer everywhere! YAY!

They killed Snow, those bastards!

 The next day (again, I don't remember if it was ACTUALLY the next day...but close enough), I was taken to the Reid Park Zoo! I haven't been to a zoo in ages, and this one was neat! This one was laid out a little strangely, but that could just be me and my poor sense of direction, and I did find out some heartbreaking news at that zoo....but otherwise it was a good time. AND! I got a penny squished. I love squishing pennies. It makes for a cheap souvenir, you can keep them all in a little box (or in a scrapbook, if you can figure out how to do that), and I think they are a neat reminder of places you have been. If there is a penny squishing machine someplace, I am there squishing a penny or two. I LOVE THEM!

Mr Meowsers!

Guess which one I got?

One of the big highlights of the zoo was a tiger. Shocking, I know, that my favorite thing was kitty related, but it's true. He was pacing back and forth against his barrier (which was withing reach of me, I COULD have booped tiger nose - and probably would have been bitten), growling and chatting. He was all meowy! I don't know why, I don't speak tiger apparently, but he DID respond to the Universal Cat Call, so that was a huge thrill! I sat and hung out with Mr. Meowsers for as long as I was allowed. I should have tried to boop his nose. I don't need all my fingers...
We also saw otters swimming, panthers lounging, and the sweet new elephant area!

Rose Park

After the zoo we wondered around the nearby park and rose garden. It was so nice to see such lovely flowers in bloom, it was the lift my spirit needed. Roses do wonders for a girl, and a whole park still in bloom in December was stunning. I...may or may not have...taken a fallen bloom. It was already off the flower! I didn't steal it! 

We also wandered around the large Duck Pond, which was indeed filled with ducks and other water fowl, which was neat. There were orange trees! FILLED WITH ORANGES! IN DECEMBER! Tucson is truly a magical place!

This is not the flower I stole

Well kids, that's all for now! In our next episodes, we will travel to TOMBSTONE! See the wonders of Trail Dust Town! Explore the Sonora Desert Museum! We will also make a gingerbread house with a Giant, eat ice cream with a T-Rex, and go shopping with Sass!

Directions

This may just be a variation on an old theme, but, then again, what isn't these days?

OUCH!

Last week I went to dinner with my friend, The Cop (more on him later). He and I were chatting about a variety of things, life, loves, bullets, and poker, when he hit me! He smacked me right in the face WITH WORDS! He said, in the nicest way possible, that he would never date me because I seemed to have no drive. No direction in life. I had no passion for something/anything. I was taken aback at first, my mind a tornado of excuses for why I am not out saving the world...but maybe they were just that, excuses.






I have touched on this here before...I am not working for a list of reasons. Right now, I am not conquering the world because;

Cancer Demon, is that you?

A. My Mother and my Aunt are both in the battle for their lives against Cancer Demons. This draws most of my focus, even when I am not with either of them.

B. I am pursuing a Masters in Crimonology, but have discovered that I am useless in online classes. I am now looking into a classroom environment, but want to wait until A. is resolved.

C. Agoraphobic. Seriously. It's harder than it looks. I have been having a panic attack about writing this blog! I panic getting in the car! Conquering the world means going outside, which is not always possible.

This is sort of how my head feels

I had others, but due to the panic attacks I know have a migraine. HOWEVER, I have come to some decisions, and DO have goals, and life plans. I am not just rotting away in my apartment. I know it looks that way, it is hard to show quantifiable proof of progress when most of the stuff I do is on my own.






My New Years Goal was to go outside and be more social. Again, this is harder than it looks, and it is a lot harder to show progress to others. No one really notices, "Hey! You didn't leave the house for a few months (other than for groceries once every couple weeks), and now you go outside almost every day! Good job!" To the outside, it doesn't seem like much, but to me it is huge progress. I literally FORCE myself outside sometimes, but I still go. I have to. Leaving the house and not being a crazy person when I am outside is a lot like a full time job for me. Sometimes getting out of bed makes me feel like I deserve a ticker tape parade, let alone driving to the dreaded DOWNTOWN!

Downtown

 Still, though, with all these "accomplishments" and things I am working on, when I get hit in the face with a comment like The Cop's, I start to feel lost. What am I doing? Where am I going? What do I want to be in five years? In five weeks?

Well, let me tell you! I will NOT be rotting in some apartment some where, telling myself that this is another "rebuilding" year, and that I will be stronger later. NO! I am mentally and physically working out now, so I will be stronger to do all of THESE things;

1. This is a big one....
I want to get an RV, much like these, and travel the US (and around, if I am lucky). With a 4wd RV, I would be able to see ALL the things! This then moves into the main goal, which is to write for a living.

2. I want to write articles for magazines on fly fishing. Traveling around in my sweet RV, I will fish all the places, write about it, take some photos, and submit them to magazines. Get published, make a dollar or two, and start working on the MAIN main goal, which is to...

3. Publish books. Yup. Not just any books. The Main main goal is to go to roadside attractions at night, take pictures of said attractions, and write a quirky story about the attraction. I had a cool title for my coffee table book, but I won't share it with you! What if you steal it! So...I want to write a book about roadside attractions as seen at night, I ALSO want to write a book about fishing in cool places. I could do it, I really think I could. I just have to get on it.

Poker Cat drinks too much...

There you have it. One domino effect of goals. There are other goals, such as being a Poker Pro (which I could also use the sweet RV for, and still do the fishing and roadside thing), and just generally being awesome. I have thought about going back into the Criminal Justice System, and maybe I will. I feel like that is always an option, and one I would be good at, but not sure I want the soul sucking heartache and stress that it brings. So there's that.

I don't know, maybe this is all just ridiculous, maybe I am just rotting away. I used to be, I don't feel like I am anymore. Besides, I never wanted to date The Cop anyway! So who cares what he thinks! Except I care when it comes to stuff like this. Well, everything, really. Over-thinking is a super power of mine after all...

The Sweetheart Formerly Known As...

Things have taken a change here in Crazy Town. Nothing too dramatic, but it warranted an update...

My Mr. S is not Sinatra

The Bar Manager is no longer a Bar Manager! He has moved on to bigger and better things in his career, and we are all very happy for him!

However, this poses a small problem. He can no longer be referred to as the Bar Manager. What if he opens his own bar? Or no longer works in the bar industry? WHAT DO WE CALL HIM?!

The world may never know!

I know what you are thinking, "Why not just call him Boyfriend?" We don't use the B word (or G word, for that matter...it's...well...it is what it is). So, after a lengthy discussion with Mrs. Sass Buckets, she and I settled on Mr. S. The S, however, shall remain...A MYSTERY! AHAHAHAHAH!
Does S stand for Sweetheart? SexyTime? Slightly Elusive? Samerkins?

So. There you have it. Bar Manager = Mr. S. Same man, just with a fancy new name. Thank you for your time, enjoy the rest of your regularly scheduled programming.

The Rare and Elusive Mr. S