blegh

Yup. Blegh. I can't think of a witty title, and I don't want to be stuck here for a few hours, not writing anything, trying to think of a witty title. So there.

Super Powers! I think I need a bubble pipe, too

I feel like crap. Emotionally and physically. I have had a migraine now for what feels like an eternity. Have I always had this headache? Will I always have this headache? Is my headache my brain trying to come to terms with new super powers I am getting, and soon I will be able to read minds/do magic/fly? Or is it just stress, like it always is?

I am going with super powers. My brain is having growing pains because of the new super powers. That HAS to be it!

 It probably has nothing to do with the fact that I am, in fact, torturing myself to death.
How am I doing that, you ask? Well, let me tell you ALL about it!

First and foremost, I refuse to cry. REFUSE. In fact, I have gotten so good at NOT crying, that now I don't even think I can. Like my tear ducts have sealed themselves from lack of use. The little workers have packed up and found jobs elsewhere (like using lightning and jackhammers in my brain). Sometimes I want to cry, but then I mentally kick myself in the face, and buck up. Like a soldier.

He wasn't THIS bad...

When I was growing up, it was made VERY clear to me, at a young age, that crying was a sign of weakness. Being raised by a Marine from the 50's could be a little rough, sometimes. Especially when he was under a lot of pressure and stress. My crying would usually make whatever was going on a hell of a lot worse, so it was best to just never cry. Ever. MAYBE if we were watching a movie, and there was a really sad scene, you could MAYBE shed a manly tear (I am not a man, by the way. I am a pretty squishy girl, just in case anyone forgot). Otherwise you had to be strong, all the time, no matter what. Your Mom just died? Nope, no tears in front of the others, because THEY need to be able to cry, and someone has to be the strong one, and since you are pretty strong it might as well be you. You can cry later. Alone. In the shower. When everyone else is asleep.

I finally began to relax a little, and trust a little. Mostly after my Old Man passed away. I guess I figured he couldn't retaliate against me for crying, especially for crying because he had died... This didn't last long, however.
I never mention my ex-fiance. Mostly because he is not even worth mentioning. That, and I have nothing nice to say about him, and you know the old saying...BUT, he is important in this part of our story. SO, I was finally opening up and crying. I would cry on his shoulder. Which, at the time, I thought was acceptable. He and I were going to me married, right? I was going to sign a contract stating I would spend the rest of my life with him. *shudders* So, one should be able to show emotions to their soon to be spouse, yes? No. Apparently that is not in the contract.
I was mourning the loss of my Old Man, and had a lot of other bottled things I was dealing with that kept bubbling up. This was in the thick of my mental breakdown, to be fair, but I was at least crying about it, right? And not going to the hospital because I was hallucinating! I wasn't breaking things! I was finally getting a little sleep!
Well, apparently crying is still a sign of weakness. The ex-fiance said, in his long litany of reasons why I was a horrible human being, that one of the MAIN reasons why I was a horrible human being - and deserved to die alone - was because I was sad all the time.

Yup.

I was sad all the time. So he bailed.

My Old Man had recently (like that year) died. My biological father - who didn't even really know my name - had killed himself. My Aunt was battling cancer. My Mum was battling cancer. I had lost my career in a firey ball of ridiculousness. Now, I understand how you can think these might just be excuses, as he said they were. Maybe they are excuses. Maybe a grown Agoraphobe shouldn't cry in front of anyone. This was why I was "sad all the time," though. That, and, well, my fiance was a **comment deleted for obscene language, violence, and partial explosions**

I know how stupid that sounds. I know that crying is important and whatever else you are about to tell me. HOWEVER - I do not think in LOGIC! That is just silly! So, because I have never had any real luck crying, I just don't now. I feel like maybe this makes me a little bit of a sociopath, and adds to the whole "No one will ever love me" thing. Because...I don't cry...so...right. Anyway... Don't get me wrong, I don't think you are weak if you cry. Quite the opposite! I am happy to console (or try to, I sort of fail at being consoling. I make the stupid consoling face and never know when to hug or man-pat), and hear you out. I think you are a strong person for showing your tears to me, and I even feel honored sometimes when someone feels safe enough to cry in front of me. I know, I sound like a hypocrite because you are allowed to cry - sometimes encouraged to - and I am not. Like I said, though, someone has to be the strong one. Might as well be me, right? ESPECIALLY if you need to cry. The LAST thing you need to see is me crying, too, right?