Crashing

Days like today remind me that I have a crazy.

I have been cruising along, doing pretty well outside. Going to a friends house to work out, going to dinner on a whim with a friend, and going out with the Bar Manager a lot has sort of helped me forget that I am agoraphobic in the first place. Well, ok, to be fair, I never forget, and there is always the hyper-vigilance and some panic involved. And all the OCD crap...BUT we are getting off topic.

Water World. Swimming, rides, and death all rolled into one.

The one thing I always forget, and feel silly about forgetting every time, is that after a while I will crash. The first analogy that comes to mind is going to an amusement park or something similar. You go to the amusement park, ride rides, walk all over the place, and it is all very exciting! New smells! New sites! Different noms! So much to see and do! Hooray! When you get home that night you are EXHAUSTED. You have never been so tired in your life! You are asleep before you even take your shoes off. Maybe that doesn't happen to you? Oh, well, ah...remember when you used to go swimming all day? Or, hiking? Fine.

That is sort of what this feels like. Like I have been burning adrenaline for too long, and now my body is mad at me. I am totally wiped out. I can barely get my eyes to focus, my brain is a complete cotton fuzz, and every movement - especially strenuous ones like blinking - make me feel like I might die.

Then there is the headache. I have been doing pretty good about not having/getting migraines in the last few months (for a while, a long while, there was not a moment when I didn't have a headache), but when I get like this, my brain sort of explodes. My left eye feels like it doesn't fit in my head, and that I should pop it out. My brain feels like it is swelling, and that my skull might crack. Or I should crack it and let some steam out. Not to fear, I am not actually going to pop my eye from it's socket (I would misplace it), and I shan't crack my skull (it's not as much fun as it sounds). I hate this headache. There is nothing anything can be done for it, either. Pills make it angry, so I just sort of ride this one out. Wheeeeeeee

I bet everyone thinks I am lame. Back to bed then...

Jerks

I also sort of crash emotionally. I would over think things, but I am too tired to, so instead I just get kind of sad. "Yup, I probably made a fool of myself dancing in the bar the other night, and now everyone hates me. *sigh* I guess I will go die in my bed" - spoken in the tone of Eeyore. I have the over-thinking and panic to look forward to, when I am not so exhausted. I try to keep myself from letting this happen, the panic and over thinking, but when I run myself raged like this it sort of sneaks up on me. Like, "oh! Now's our chance! She is vulnerable! Lets give her a lot of nightmares about all the crap she did this week, so she can worry about it when she wakes up!" - squeal the dancing demons in my head. Jerks.

There are remedies to this, for sure. Trying to recognize that this is happening is a big part of it, instead of succumbing to the sad. Also, as ironic as it feels, going out helps. Sometimes it is a distraction and the crazy is still lurking behind my eyes, but other times it snaps me out of whatever agoraphobic funk I am trying to throw myself into. The flip side to that is sometimes I go out too much, and the funk is thrown off, then it hits me like a ton of bricks later. Like today. When I am so exhausted that I can't think straight, let alone function in the real world.




So...there's that. I would write more, give you clever analogies and what not. Instead I am going to go pour myself back into my bed, and daydream of someone bringing me noms and cuddles and horror movies. (Noms, cuddles and horror movies make everything better. Everything. It's a scientific fact. If the Noms are Chinese food, and the movie has zombies in it, then things like Cancer can be cured. Ok, maybe not, but close.)

I leave you with a cat in a bowler hat