Nightmares

Nightmares are nothing new to me, in fact one might say we are old friends. Or...rather...nightmares are a constant stalker that never really leave, sometimes they just hide in the bushes better.

I am more likely to have more nightmares, and have them be more vivid, when I am stressed out. This was common when I was working at the Probation Dept., making it another straw on the poor camel's back that eventually led to my downfall. Lately, due to the stress of ill and dying family, it's not surprising that the nightmares are back.

The difference this time is that I am reliving past horrors. Over and over and over. Like a broken record replaying every excruciating detail. My brain has also added a soundtrack, playing songs to accentuate the pain I am feeling.

The nightmares have gotten so bad that I have been hyperventilating in my sleep. At some point I think I have even affected the Bar Manager's sleep, which makes me feel terrible. I wake up in a cold sweat, unable to breath, clutching him, or the cat, or a pillow, for dear life. The daylight doesn't help, because during the day I feel like I am barely keeping it together. Everything makes me want to cry, and scream and lay it all out there. Every wound, every horror, let the world know why I have these nightmares and this anxiety in the first place.

Then I remember that I am not talking about it. Ever. I want to, but I don't want to lay this on anyone else. I am afraid that it will hurt them by me getting it out of my system, in addition to the myriad of other worries I have.
"Why don't you talk about it in therapy?" You ask? I have. Exhaustively. It tires me out to talk about it, and not feel like I get anywhere with it. Therapy doesn't make it go away, or make it better. It just gave me tools to cope with it, which helps a lot. Before, when I would get consumed by this, it was debilitating. I would scream, be filled with rage, fear, push everyone away. I would like to think I am handling it a little better this time around....

I just with the nightmares would go away. Or at least go back to being monsters and beasts, and not being so real. Please? Is frolicking with kittens too much to ask brain?