Another Party...Another Panic Attack

Often I will feel that the best way to describe a feeling, a situation, or a (insert thing here) is with outside material. Songs, pictures of kitties with captions, etc.

This will be no different. Also, don't worry about giggling. If anything here makes you laugh, then I am successful. If you learn something, then I am like a GOD! Well, Google is like a God, in a weird computer Pantheon kind of way...anyhoo

Back when I was younger, it seemed like I could go to parties and events with no problem. I was always out of my house doing SOMETHING. Working, going out, committing sins in my youth...so now when I don't do seemingly anything, one of the first questions I get asked is, "Why? You used to go out all the time."
Yes. Yes I did. That, in part, contributes to why I don't go out now. More on that later, though.

I wish I had a rational explanation, something that would enlighten you (and me, probably) as to why I started to withdraw more and more, eventually getting to where I am at now. Some sciencey types say that my particular...um...ailment has a usual onset of around 25-30;

Causes, incidence, and risk factors

The exact causes of panic disorder and agoraphobia are unknown. Because panic attacks often occur in areas or situations where they have happened in the past, panic may be a learned behavior. Agoraphobia sometimes occurs when a person has had a panic attack and begins to fear situations that might lead to another panic attack.
Anyone can develop a panic disorder, but it usually starts around age 25. Panic disorder is more common in women than men.

Yeah, not that helpful, I know, but that's the short and sweet of it, courtesy of PubMedHealth. 

I know a plethora of personal reasons for why I panic, or probably why I panic (I will not start to panic about talking about panicking...I will not start to panic about talking about panicking...) but I will go with the science types. Genetics? Probably. Situational events? You bet. Current irrational panic adding to the mix? Absolutely.

With this somewhat brief explanation in mind, you would think that I would not beat myself up so much about panicking about going out. Well, you have never met an irrational thinker! HA!
Case in point: One of my best friends bought a house with his lovely wife, who is also a great friend of mine. They are having a house warming party today, and have been kind enough to invite me. When they invited me weeks ago, I graciously accepted. Sure! No problem! I will be there with pants on (Pants, I find, are more appropriate than bells)!

Today is the party. I woke up hyperventilating. There are people invited to the party who I am pretty sure hate me. Ok, you're right, hate is a strong word. More specifically they find me over-dramatic, obnoxious, immature and probably rude. They have every right to feel that way, as often these are all defense mechanisms I find myself falling into when I seem to be in this particular group. A common defense mechanism of mine is also sarcasm. I am so SO accustomed to using sarcasm, that I often don't realize I have said something snarky until it is already flying out of my mouth with no hopes of redacting the statement.

I will also have to drive to the party. It is approximately six miles from my house. This distance might as well be the Moon, or Tucson, for the ease of travel. I am already worried I will magically run out of gas (I have half a tank, roughly), that I will blow a tire (all four are new), that the car will catch on fire for "no" reason (I used to set the Subaru on fire all the time without meaning to. Silly pyro car), or that I will break down/crash/get lost. This may not seem like something to stress out about, but right at this exact moment I have $1 to my name, and I need that to buy cat food, not pay for a tow truck. Which I couldn't afford anyway, unless today is National Free TowTruck Day, which I doubt, I think that's in February (if it isn't a thing, it should be).

Also, I have a strange need to bring something to a party. Something freaking PERFECT! The World's Greatest Cake! Cookies that Cure Cancer (they don't, but I wish they did. I would bake those bastards all the time and hand them out on street corners. Or get someone else to give them out, as giving them out requires going outside and talking to strangers....)! Something else amazing that would cause the party to forget for a moment how socially inept I am, or awkward, and focus on my amazing baked delicacies. They would do the talking for me. "Isn't Genna amazing? She made me, and I am the best cake you have ever eaten. She must be some awesome person..." It seems to say.
I do not have anything to bring to this party. Just me. Cat hair covered, wild eyed, and anxious. Hooray! Every party should have one!

I would bring a cat with me, if I could. Like a service animal. If THAT is not a thing, it really needs to be. Then I could be the crazy cat lady in the corner, with a hissing cat, wild eyed. Wait...maybe that won't help my situation after all. Meh. Worth a shot, I say. 

So here I am. About to put on some make-up, quickly brush up on a little of EVERYTHING because Gods know what someone might try to talk to me about; Current events? How to play Quidditch? The stats of the current sports whatevers? Pi? Anything that isn't what my cats did this morning that was cute to only me?

Here I go. Getting ready to leave my house. Alone. This is a hell of a lot easier when I have someone to go with, but as I am not able to bring a cat, or a friend, I get to test the limits of my mental strength all by myself. Wish me luck! And please, please, PLEASE remember that it's not you that makes me feel this way. It's me.