Windows

When I was growing up, I never understood some of the needs of my grandparents. One very serious need was for a TV, and adequate cable. For the longest time I never knew why, I always saw TV as a luxury...sitcoms to pass the time, America's Funniest Video's for a chance to see a cat video, that sort of thing. I knew it was important to my Gran, but never thought about the reasons why. I remember being so frustrated because I would be in the middle of watching something, and she would come out and change the channel to what she wanted without asking, often being a little upset that I was watching anything in the living room.

My Grandmother was also agoraphobic, and had difficulties leaving the house. As far as I can remember, she never left the house alone, she always went with my Grandfather. Months would go by where she wouldn't go further than her yard. She would sometimes go shopping, but a lot of that was done with catalogs and on the Home Shopping Network. She would write grocery lists, and my mother or grandfather would go to the store. If grocery delivery were more of a thing in the mountains where we lived, I am sure that would have happened on occasion, same with take-out (growing up in a small mountain town meant no pizza delivery, or Chinese. I think this is one of the reasons why I am so addicted to them now).

Being an adult who has agoraphobia, I still don't have much of a need for TV. The internet, however, I cannot live without. While most see it as a luxury to get online, it is a real need for me. The internet is really my only window to the outside world. I get the news, weather, updates on friends, order clothing, plan my groceries, deal with my Medicare and SSDI, order prescriptions (when I have them), and track Doc appointments (as well as watch cat videos, play games, and chat with friends). Without the internet, I am stuck. I can already hear what you are thinking, "oh you can live without the internet, just go outside! Get the paper! Meet friends for lunch, call the Doc's, go to the SSDI office, etc" This is where I smack you in the face. Ok, not really, but the whole point of agoraphobia, along with the other ailments, is that I can't leave the house. I will describe more of that later, as that is not the point of this blog.

The point of this blog is that I now understand my Gran's NEED for TV. It was her window to the outside world. She could track the news, weather, find out what was going on in the whole rest of the world. With her TV she could learn new things, follow new trends, and stay connected. I often joked that she knew what was going on before it was happening, and I think a big part of that was because she was able to connect to the world through her window. I know that without mine, I feel lost, less intelligent about the world around me, and I fall into myself. I get stuck focusing on my crazy, and less on how to work on it. I feel isolated, and that scares me.

So when my computer starts to break down, I break down right along with it. It's hard to describe without sounding petty...not having a computer means complete isolation. I might as well be a hermit eating moss off the walls, and talking to shadows.