Days Like Today

Days like today make me feel especially...stuck. Words like useless, lazy, and boring come to mind, but nobody likes it when I throw those words around. Days like today also tend to get me into trouble. I end up feeling like I could be doing more with my life, which I probably could, but instead of taking this to a healthy level, I go overboard. As with most things. Go big or go home! RIGHT?! Um....

One of the things I do when I get like this is I start applying for jobs. Not simple jobs like checker at the market, or cat squeezer at the shelter...

No No No! I go BIG! I apply for Government jobs, like I used to have. I have a degree! I have experience! I can totally go back into being a Probation Officer, or try to get back into being a cop. Sometimes I get wacky and start applying for dream jobs in investigations.

Inevitably this will end in disaster, one way or another. Either I will get myself worked up, and end up depressed because deep down I know I can't do this type of work right now...OR I will get a rejection letter in the mail - confirming that I am not capable of doing the things I used to do...OR, and this might be the worst of all, I will get an interview.

Maybe I will get the interview! Maybe I get in there, and either bomb totally - thus again reaffirming I am incapable of being a human in the work force right now (along with a huge list of other, possibly irrational, thoughts and fears), or...I will get the job. This is where things really fall apart.  

I will work really really hard to do well. Like most folks, right? This will possibly lead to another breakdown. I will do everything in my power to prove to my new job, and to myself, that I am a capable human, and that they made the right choice AND that I can be a functioning member of society once again.  

At some point I will need to learn something new. I will work REALLY hard to comprehend what is going on, and retain the information. When this does not happen, I will panic. Feeling stupid, I will try to get the information again. At this point I will worry that I seem stupid, or need extra help and
training, which will frustrate my new supervisor. I will then try to overcompensate and learn it EXTRA HARD! Which, in turn, stresses me out, and I will retain less and less. At this point I realize I am not perfect, and this begins to upset me. I may try to avoid this, or more likely, I will work harder and harder and harder. Until my brain begins to explode. I will get one headache, maybe two. Or maybe just a dull pain in my head that doesn't go away but also makes it hard to focus on the task at hand.

For example, lets say I am working in a bakery. I have been shown how to do something over and over, and now get to do it on my own. I will focus so hard
that I might not notice little things, like my arm being seared off in the oven. Yes, that actually happened. I was so focused on the task at hand that I did not feel the pain, or notice the smell of burning flesh until my boss pointed it out. I get so over focused, and hyper vigilant in weird ways, that it becomes almost impossible to focus on any one thing, instead trying to do all the things. My brain will stop forming complete sentences in thought, I will lose time (like doing one thing, then coming back into focus and finding out that four hours have gone by and I have NO IDEA what happened during that time), and I stop sleeping altogether. I over analyze how work went, how I reacted to situations, how others reacted to me, why they reacted the way they did, and what I can do to be better at my job. Sleeping pills don't work, booze just gets me drunk, then I sober up and am still right there hoping for sleep, and so on.

Wait, which number was I on? Now I have to start over!

Eventually I will either quit, to try to save my sanity and work on getting back to some what healthy, or...I will get fired. Getting fired is one of the
worst feelings in the world. I am a failure. They know I am a failure. They never want to see me again. I am incapable of completing the tasks they have
given me, and there is no hope of me doing a better job. Getting fired from the working at the probation department was one of the worst days in memory.
I worked so hard, it was my first real job after getting my degree. It was in my field. Six months before I had been given a stellar review, and was told that I was up for a promotion. Then I crashed and burned and got fired. I had been hallucinating at work, my headaches were so bad I couldn't read, and I never slept. I wanted to be perfect, but mentally I broke down - causing the rest of me to break down, like the T1000 slowly shattering as he tries to reach John Connor. Except I don't put myself back together quite as smoothly as he does.

 

This, I fear, will happen again if I get the job. But I never remember any of this on days like today, only that I am sitting at home, not being a functional member of society, and hating myself for it. So, I apply for all the jobs I can find, and start my cycle anew. 

I am hoping, however, that by putting all this in writing, that I won't go through that cycle again. At least, not today.