Everyone has setbacks.
Even your favorite Agoraphobe. ESPECIALLY your favorite Agoraphobe.
This weekend was disappointing. I have a feeling it was to a few folks, not just me.
As you may have noticed, I have been in hyper-drive lately. Going outside ALL the time! Cleaning ALL the things! Joining social groups! Making commitments with time (which is one of the scarier things for me to do...more on that later)!
Epiphany?
However, I do not have the best memory, and often forget to take a day off. Maybe I am too afraid I will relapse into never going outside again, so that drives my hyper determination to go outside, even when I am terrified to do so. *epiphany!*
This weekend I had made plans with two different folks. My BFF and his lovely wife, and my Aunt. One night I was going to go watch a movie with my Aunt, another evening I was going to go hang out with the BFF and his lovely wife. I was pumped! Outsies! Well, my brain decided it had had enough of this outside malarkey, and made other plans for me. Stupid brain.
I know how he feels, or felt, I guess
Friday I got myself showered, got some treats together to take to my Aunt's, and was just chillin' enjoying the lovely weather we were having when BAM! My head exploded. I am no stranger to migraines, not my any means. Migraines controlled my life for a LONG time...but this one seemed different. For one thing, I had no warning at all. I was minding my own business, then it was like someone shot me in the back of the head with a shotgun! I couldn't see out of one eye, blinking was maddening, and nothing was working to make it go away. Drugs, caffeine, another shower, lying down, nothing!
I postponed my plans with everyone until the next day, thinking that with a lot of time in bed I would be better the next day.
LIES!
The next was just as bad! I felt like I was going to throw up, and I couldn't stay out of bed for more than half an hour at a time, and that was pushing it. I went to lie down, totally forgetting my plans with my Aunt.
So, at 7pm-ish when she texted me, I felt horrible. I had done it again. I had flaked out totally, and let people down. I had let myself down. I hate that feeling, and it happens way too often. It is a little better than it used to be, but obviously still an issue. Sure, I had a "legitimate" excuse, but I still disappointed someone counting on me. Again. I disappointed myself. Again.
This is one of the huge things I have been working on. I never want something like this to happen, and I thought I was "better," because it hadn't happened in a while. I felt like my memory was getting stronger, like I was getting braver, and that flaking out wasn't going to happen anymore.
However, I am trying REALLY hard to not beat myself up about this for a month. Like I have been known to do. Yes, it sucks. Yes, I flaked out, again. Maybe I can learn from it? Not try to be SO hyper about going outside all the time, try to understand and know my limits, so that MAYBE my head won't explode with such ferocity...OR, if it does, to be better about communication and letting people know what is going on, before I am two hours late for something. I have to remind myself, too, that everyone has setbacks. I am not perfect, and that doesn't make me a bad person. Right? It is really hard to not spiral out of control into depression when something like this happens. Maybe that is my lesson this time? I am not a horrible person who was better off dead because I slept through an outing (I don't think that this time, but that thought has cropped up in the past).
If I disappointed you, flaked out on you, or inconvenienced you at all, I apologize. A lot. Maybe next time will be better? *sigh*
For a few years now I have wanted to go to sunny and exotic Tucson. The sites! The sounds! The WARMTH! Not to mention I have a gaggle of friends down there that I needed to see.
Getting down there is...ah....a little more than difficult. Between finances sucking really hard, and...well.... the fact that I literally can't get out of bed or the shower due to panic attacks sometimes, traveling 900 miles is rough. Being able to do anything once down there felt impossible. That, and there are giant spiders in Tucson. GIANT ONES! Hairy, scary, spiders. That is terrifying! (Actually, this LINK is terrifying. These are the scaries that live IN TUCSON!) Not to mention scorpions...Did you know they found a NEW species of Scorpion? Because I did. It is the ninth new species found in the last six years. *curls up and cries a little*
Needless to say, it took a little intervention from the Universe, A LOT of bravery, the selling of some things I was not sure I wanted to sell, and the kindness of some very great friends to get me out of my house and down to the sunny locale.
In December of 2012 I was finally able to part with some things that belonged to my Grandfather. This was a lot harder than I was expecting, and I was expecting it to be pretty hard. However, I was able to part with a lot of materials and equipment he obviously no longer needed, and that I was never going to use (he was always the fly-tyer). After paying off some bills, putting some in the bank, and giving some money to my mom, I finally FINALLY had enough money to go to Tucson! YAY!
I do, actually.
I packed my bags! Then I unpacked and re-packed my bags! I think I did this three times, of course stressing out about what I was going to bring, or not bring, or whatever. Would I need lots of socks? How many shoes would I need? Was I going to go to a fancy dinner?
And, of course, I was stressing out about seeing Mr. and Mrs. SassBuckets. I had been friends with The Sass' for years, but, as strange as this is to admit, we had never actually met in person. We became friends through a mutual friend of ours, The Trauma Surgeon (which is a clever nickname, he is not actually a Trauma Surgeon in any sense of the word), who I was also going to visit while on my trip.
So, there I was, ready to go! I was going to fly to Phoenix, take the shuttle to Tucson (the flight to Phoenix saved me roughly $200), then start my adventures with the Trauma Surgeon and the Sass'. All by myself! *struts* I felt pretty brave, let me tell you. I also felt sick, migrainy, and terrified...but I DID feel brave, so we are sticking with that. I managed to get to the airport with the help of my Mum, I got on the plane, and flew to Phoenix! I think I even managed a real nap, instead of a terror induced passing out! YAY!
After that, I found my shuttle, like a big girl, and started the rest of the trek to Tucson. I feel like I should omit that the Trauma Surgeon didn't acknowledge that I was on the shuttle until I was almost in Tucson, which had me terrified I was going to be at some bus stop somewhere in the desert, but...well...he sorta left me hanging for a good few hours while I was en route.
As a Public Service Announcement, if you are receiving an Agoraphobe, please answer your text messages and/or phone in a timely fashion when they reach out to you. It makes things easier for you and them in the long run. The more you know!
After a lot of looking at dessert (not at all imagining or searching for spiders), I was picked up safely from the Shuttle Depot, and there I was! In the sun! TUCSON!
Driving through the city to where I was staying was a neat experience. I finally got to see, if only in passing, the University of Arizona, where my amazing Aunt got her Doctorate! I saw a wide variety of Cacti! New places to eat Noms! So much excitement! My first stop on my Epic Tucson Vacation? The POOL! Yup, even though it was the middle of December, it was warm enough to sit by the pool, and that is exactly what I did. I dropped off the precisely packed luggage, and dashed over to the pool, dipped my toeies in, and was relaxed. It was AMAZING!
After a nice toe dip in the pool, the Trauma Surgeon and I hit the town!
I have the memory of a Goldfish, AND waited too long to write this all down. I do not remember the specific order of when a lot of stuff happened. You and I should be happy that I remember the events!
Slushy Air Fresheners. Yup.
My combo slushi thing
In Arizona, and probably a few other places, they have a place called Eegee's. We don't have these where I am from, so this was an exotic treat! There sammich's were meh, but the slushi thing was delicious! I had a combo slushi thing, and I could have swam in it, it was so good! I should have gotten one of their air fresheners while I was there...Oh well, maybe next time.
We also toured one of the malls, which was...you know...like most malls. HOWEVER, there was a GIANT liquor store in the mall, AND there were *blushes* adult items available. In the mall! Where kids go!
Actually, you can buy booze just about anywhere in Arizona. Grocery stores, gas stations, the mall, everywhere! That was a real "culture" shock from Colorado, where alcohol is still treated like a back alley drug. I wish we could get real alcohol at the market here, that would save a lot of hassle! My little mind was blown!
Beer everywhere! YAY!
They killed Snow, those bastards!
The next day (again, I don't remember if it was ACTUALLY the next day...but close enough), I was taken to the Reid Park Zoo! I haven't been to a zoo in ages, and this one was neat! This one was laid out a little strangely, but that could just be me and my poor sense of direction, and I did find out some heartbreaking news at that zoo....but otherwise it was a good time. AND! I got a penny squished. I love squishing pennies. It makes for a cheap souvenir, you can keep them all in a little box (or in a scrapbook, if you can figure out how to do that), and I think they are a neat reminder of places you have been. If there is a penny squishing machine someplace, I am there squishing a penny or two. I LOVE THEM!
Mr Meowsers!
Guess which one I got?
One of the big highlights of the zoo was a tiger. Shocking, I know, that my favorite thing was kitty related, but it's true. He was pacing back and forth against his barrier (which was withing reach of me, I COULD have booped tiger nose - and probably would have been bitten), growling and chatting. He was all meowy! I don't know why, I don't speak tiger apparently, but he DID respond to the Universal Cat Call, so that was a huge thrill! I sat and hung out with Mr. Meowsers for as long as I was allowed. I should have tried to boop his nose. I don't need all my fingers...
We also saw otters swimming, panthers lounging, and the sweet new elephant area!
Rose Park
After the zoo we wondered around the nearby park and rose garden. It was so nice to see such lovely flowers in bloom, it was the lift my spirit needed. Roses do wonders for a girl, and a whole park still in bloom in December was stunning. I...may or may not have...taken a fallen bloom. It was already off the flower! I didn't steal it!
We also wandered around the large Duck Pond, which was indeed
filled with ducks and other water fowl, which was neat. There were
orange trees! FILLED WITH ORANGES! IN DECEMBER! Tucson is truly a
magical place!
This is not the flower I stole
Well kids, that's all for now! In our next episodes, we will travel to TOMBSTONE! See the wonders of Trail Dust Town! Explore the Sonora Desert Museum! We will also make a gingerbread house with a Giant, eat ice cream with a T-Rex, and go shopping with Sass!
This may just be a variation on an old theme, but, then again, what isn't these days?
OUCH!
Last week I went to dinner with my friend, The Cop (more on him later). He and I were chatting about a variety of things, life, loves, bullets, and poker, when he hit me! He smacked me right in the face WITH WORDS! He said, in the nicest way possible, that he would never date me because I seemed to have no drive. No direction in life. I had no passion for something/anything. I was taken aback at first, my mind a tornado of excuses for why I am not out saving the world...but maybe they were just that, excuses.
I have touched on this here before...I am not working for a list of reasons. Right now, I am not conquering the world because;
Cancer Demon, is that you?
A. My Mother and my Aunt are both in the battle for their lives against Cancer Demons. This draws most of my focus, even when I am not with either of them.
B. I am pursuing a Masters in Crimonology, but have discovered that I am useless in online classes. I am now looking into a classroom environment, but want to wait until A. is resolved.
C. Agoraphobic. Seriously. It's harder than it looks. I have been having a panic attack about writing this blog! I panic getting in the car! Conquering the world means going outside, which is not always possible.
This is sort of how my head feels
I had others, but due to the panic attacks I know have a migraine. HOWEVER, I have come to some decisions, and DO have goals, and life plans. I am not just rotting away in my apartment. I know it looks that way, it is hard to show quantifiable proof of progress when most of the stuff I do is on my own.
My New Years Goal was to go outside and be more social. Again, this is harder than it looks, and it is a lot harder to show progress to others. No one really notices, "Hey! You didn't leave the house for a few months (other than for groceries once every couple weeks), and now you go outside almost every day! Good job!" To the outside, it doesn't seem like much, but to me it is huge progress. I literally FORCE myself outside sometimes, but I still go. I have to. Leaving the house and not being a crazy person when I am outside is a lot like a full time job for me. Sometimes getting out of bed makes me feel like I deserve a ticker tape parade, let alone driving to the dreaded DOWNTOWN!
Downtown
Still, though, with all these "accomplishments" and things I am working on, when I get hit in the face with a comment like The Cop's, I start to feel lost. What am I doing? Where am I going? What do I want to be in five years? In five weeks?
Well, let me tell you! I will NOT be rotting in some apartment some where, telling myself that this is another "rebuilding" year, and that I will be stronger later. NO! I am mentally and physically working out now, so I will be stronger to do all of THESE things;
1. This is a big one....
I want to get an RV, much like these, and travel the US (and around, if I am lucky). With a 4wd RV, I would be able to see ALL the things! This then moves into the main goal, which is to write for a living.
2. I want to write articles for magazines on fly fishing. Traveling around in my sweet RV, I will fish all the places, write about it, take some photos, and submit them to magazines. Get published, make a dollar or two, and start working on the MAIN main goal, which is to...
3. Publish books. Yup. Not just any books. The Main main goal is to go to roadside attractions at night, take pictures of said attractions, and write a quirky story about the attraction. I had a cool title for my coffee table book, but I won't share it with you! What if you steal it! So...I want to write a book about roadside attractions as seen at night, I ALSO want to write a book about fishing in cool places. I could do it, I really think I could. I just have to get on it.
Poker Cat drinks too much...
There you have it. One domino effect of goals. There are other goals, such as being a Poker Pro (which I could also use the sweet RV for, and still do the fishing and roadside thing), and just generally being awesome. I have thought about going back into the Criminal Justice System, and maybe I will. I feel like that is always an option, and one I would be good at, but not sure I want the soul sucking heartache and stress that it brings. So there's that.
I don't know, maybe this is all just ridiculous, maybe I am just rotting away. I used to be, I don't feel like I am anymore. Besides, I never wanted to date The Cop anyway! So who cares what he thinks! Except I care when it comes to stuff like this. Well, everything, really. Over-thinking is a super power of mine after all...
Things have taken a change here in Crazy Town. Nothing too dramatic, but it warranted an update...
My Mr. S is not Sinatra
The Bar Manager is no longer a Bar Manager! He has moved on to bigger and better things in his career, and we are all very happy for him!
However, this poses a small problem. He can no longer be referred to as the Bar Manager. What if he opens his own bar? Or no longer works in the bar industry? WHAT DO WE CALL HIM?!
The world may never know!
I know what you are thinking, "Why not just call him Boyfriend?" We don't use the B word (or G word, for that matter...it's...well...it is what it is). So, after a lengthy discussion with Mrs. Sass Buckets, she and I settled on Mr. S. The S, however, shall remain...A MYSTERY! AHAHAHAHAH!
Does S stand for Sweetheart? SexyTime? Slightly Elusive? Samerkins?
So. There you have it. Bar Manager = Mr. S. Same man, just with a fancy new name. Thank you for your time, enjoy the rest of your regularly scheduled programming.
Nightmares are nothing new to me, in fact one might say we are old friends. Or...rather...nightmares are a constant stalker that never really leave, sometimes they just hide in the bushes better.
I am more likely to have more nightmares, and have them be more vivid, when I am stressed out. This was common when I was working at the Probation Dept., making it another straw on the poor camel's back that eventually led to my downfall. Lately, due to the stress of ill and dying family, it's not surprising that the nightmares are back.
The difference this time is that I am reliving past horrors. Over and over and over. Like a broken record replaying every excruciating detail. My brain has also added a soundtrack, playing songs to accentuate the pain I am feeling.
The nightmares have gotten so bad that I have been hyperventilating in my sleep. At some point I think I have even affected the Bar Manager's sleep, which makes me feel terrible. I wake up in a cold sweat, unable to breath, clutching him, or the cat, or a pillow, for dear life. The daylight doesn't help, because during the day I feel like I am barely keeping it together. Everything makes me want to cry, and scream and lay it all out there. Every wound, every horror, let the world know why I have these nightmares and this anxiety in the first place.
Then I remember that I am not talking about it. Ever. I want to, but I don't want to lay this on anyone else. I am afraid that it will hurt them by me getting it out of my system, in addition to the myriad of other worries I have.
"Why don't you talk about it in therapy?" You ask? I have. Exhaustively. It tires me out to talk about it, and not feel like I get anywhere with it. Therapy doesn't make it go away, or make it better. It just gave me tools to cope with it, which helps a lot. Before, when I would get consumed by this, it was debilitating. I would scream, be filled with rage, fear, push everyone away. I would like to think I am handling it a little better this time around....
I just with the nightmares would go away. Or at least go back to being monsters and beasts, and not being so real. Please? Is frolicking with kittens too much to ask brain?
I have been cruising along, doing pretty well outside. Going to a friends house to work out, going to dinner on a whim with a friend, and going out with the Bar Manager a lot has sort of helped me forget that I am agoraphobic in the first place. Well, ok, to be fair, I never forget, and there is always the hyper-vigilance and some panic involved. And all the OCD crap...BUT we are getting off topic.
Water World. Swimming, rides, and death all rolled into one.
The one thing I always forget, and feel silly about forgetting every time, is that after a while I will crash. The first analogy that comes to mind is going to an amusement park or something similar. You go to the amusement park, ride rides, walk all over the place, and it is all very exciting! New smells! New sites! Different noms! So much to see and do! Hooray! When you get home that night you are EXHAUSTED. You have never been so tired in your life! You are asleep before you even take your shoes off. Maybe that doesn't happen to you? Oh, well, ah...remember when you used to go swimming all day? Or, hiking? Fine.
That is sort of what this feels like. Like I have been burning adrenaline for too long, and now my body is mad at me. I am totally wiped out. I can barely get my eyes to focus, my brain is a complete cotton fuzz, and every movement - especially strenuous ones like blinking - make me feel like I might die.
Then there is the headache. I have been doing pretty good about not having/getting migraines in the last few months (for a while, a long while, there was not a moment when I didn't have a headache), but when I get like this, my brain sort of explodes. My left eye feels like it doesn't fit in my head, and that I should pop it out. My brain feels like it is swelling, and that my skull might crack. Or I should crack it and let some steam out. Not to fear, I am not actually going to pop my eye from it's socket (I would misplace it), and I shan't crack my skull (it's not as much fun as it sounds). I hate this headache. There is nothing anything can be done for it, either. Pills make it angry, so I just sort of ride this one out. Wheeeeeeee
I bet everyone thinks I am lame. Back to bed then...
Jerks
I also sort of crash emotionally. I would over think things, but I am too tired to, so instead I just get kind of sad. "Yup, I probably made a fool of myself dancing in the bar the other night, and now everyone hates me. *sigh* I guess I will go die in my bed" - spoken in the tone of Eeyore. I have the over-thinking and panic to look forward to, when I am not so exhausted. I try to keep myself from letting this happen, the panic and over thinking, but when I run myself raged like this it sort of sneaks up on me. Like, "oh! Now's our chance! She is vulnerable! Lets give her a lot of nightmares about all the crap she did this week, so she can worry about it when she wakes up!" - squeal the dancing demons in my head. Jerks.
There are remedies to this, for sure. Trying to recognize that this is happening is a big part of it, instead of succumbing to the sad. Also, as ironic as it feels, going out helps. Sometimes it is a distraction and the crazy is still lurking behind my eyes, but other times it snaps me out of whatever agoraphobic funk I am trying to throw myself into. The flip side to that is sometimes I go out too much, and the funk is thrown off, then it hits me like a ton of bricks later. Like today. When I am so exhausted that I can't think straight, let alone function in the real world.
So...there's that. I would write more, give you clever analogies and what not. Instead I am going to go pour myself back into my bed, and daydream of someone bringing me noms and cuddles and horror movies. (Noms, cuddles and horror movies make everything better. Everything. It's a scientific fact. If the Noms are Chinese food, and the movie has zombies in it, then things like Cancer can be cured. Ok, maybe not, but close.)
I would like to tell you all about my Valentine's Day this year, so...if you are not in the mood to read a gushy sappy post...you have been warned. However there is bacon involved, so maybe you should stick around after all.
Now that we have that out of the way, I had THE BEST VALENTINE'S DAY!!
The Bar Manager and I had previously discussed a few different options, like going to a basketball game and seeing the new Die Hard movie. Those were going to be fine, I super excited to get to spend the day with him and I didn't really care what we did. We finally made plans to have dinner at his bar (which for the sake of the story, we shall call the Winchester, and is fancier than it sounds), see a movie, and come back to his bar for trivia.
I have been debating on what to get the Bar Manager for literally months. MONTHS. With Christmas, then his birthday, and then Valentines Day back to back, basically, I have been stressing and feeling woefully inadequate in the gifting arena for ages. AGES! There are so many things I want to give to him, but being as how I have $0, it is hard to get him most of what I want to. I would list there here, but there is a remote possibility that SOME DAY I will be able to afford them, and an even more remote possibility that he reads this. So, I won't spoil the hypothetical surprises here. Just know that the ideas for gifts I have are epic.
Anyhoo...I ended up getting him two pounds of thick sliced bacon, I made him chocolate chip Reese's Pieces cookies, and I made him a playlist of songs that not only expressed how I felt about him, but were hopefully songs he liked. The playlist was the "big gift" so to speak, and it was the one I was the most stressed out about. I almost ALMOST didn't give it to him. Men are a skittish creature, and scare easily, and I didn't want my heartfelt playlist to scare him away.
This is the outfit I WISH I had
Finally V-Day came! I was terrified! I wanted to look amazing, but not too fancy as we were going to the Winchester. I asked him what he was wearing, assuming it was going to be jeans and a shirt...nope. He was going with a tie. A TIE?! SHIT! So...this changed me from wearing a typical black sweater and nice jeans. Now I wanted to look nice, but not over do it, or under do it. Or wrong do it. So, like a typical OCD crazy girl, I worried about my outfit for hours. I think I tried on every nice thing I have, and have since decided I don't actually have that nice of things...I settled on a nice brown skirt I haven't worn in ages, a forest green tank top, knee high brown boots, and a sweatshirt. I fluffed my hair, as I spent too much time freaking out about the outfit and didn't have time to curl it, and STILL don't own a straightener... Did my make-up. Then re-did my make-up. THEN I changed my shoes four times. Finally I settled on shoes, outfit and make-up.
SIDE NOTE: The last time I had a big date (previous to the Bar Manager), it was a disaster. I had a brand new to me vintage 40's dress, incredible shoes, had spent six hours on my hair, had perfect make-up, and the only thing my date said was I was a bit too busty for the dress. Not a single compliment, and then later he complained about every aspect of me and the date. Not something an Agoraphobe easily forgets. So, this is one of the silly reasons for my panic and paranoia.
When the Bar Manager arrived, I actually felt a little weak. He looked amazing! His green shirt and tie really complimented his eyes. *swoon* He looked so good, I wanted to throw myself on my bed and pout, because I paled in comparison to his handsomeness and I hated my outfit. I started to get nervous all over again. He kept looking at me sweetly...and I had to ask how I looked. He seemed in shock that I would ask a stupid question, and said I looked fine. The WAY he said it was what counted, like "of course you look amazing, why would you ask?" NOW, granted, I might be reading way too much into everything, like usual, but that is how I interpreted that whole interaction.
How I felt on the inside. *sigh*
At this point I felt a little...shitty I guess. I rarely have gotten flowers, and I LOVE flowers. LOVE THEM. I am not a chocolate girl really, but something about a flower really goes a long way in my heart. They never happened in my last relationship unless I literally begged for them, which at that point I could have just gotten myself flowers, which defeats it a bit. So, when the Bar Manager arrived without flowers, I am not going to lie, I was a little bummed. "Not to worry" I told myself, I was still going on a great date with a great guy. Flowers are silly. *sigh*
While in the car, I asked if he had made reservations. The Winchester was having a special occasion dinner, and it seemed like the type of place and type of time to make reservations. He scoffed, why would he make reservations? He's one of the managers! PFFT. Ok, ok, but did they at least know we were coming? Just in case? Places having fancy dinners like to know who all is coming, right? He scoffed again.
We get there, and he was really sweet about walking with me. This is such a little thing, but he was concerned I would slip in the ice, and so he held my hand and walked slowly, or avoided it altogether when he could. It really is the little things that make a girls heart melt. Well, mine anyway. Genuine concern for my well being. *swoon*
Stick with me kids, this is where things start to get really good!
We walked into the Winchester, and at the end of the bar was the largest bouquet of flowers I had ever seen. My first thought was, "Awww, how sweet! Someone got one of the other bartenders or servers some really nice flowers!" We got closer, and the Bar Manger sat me down right in front of them! However, I am a little slow, so it took another couple seconds before I understood that they were for me! ME! *Melts* He and the lovely Lady Bar Manager (yes, they are co-managers) unwrapped them for me, and I got to stick my face in the loveliest flowers I have ever received. Ever. My Bar Manager got all cute, saying "Yup, turns out they DID know we were coming," and then all the other servers and women in the bar started to gush about how he had set this all up. He had been planning it "FOR WEEKS! Literally weeks," stated the Lady Bar Manager, while others were telling me about how sweet he was that he came in and got the place setting ready and the flowers. Apparently he hand picked the flowers! Just for me! There was such a lovely variety to the flowers, and he said that was on purpose. He figured if he got a lot of them, he was bound to get one of them right (as far as which ones were my favorite). This is one of the sweetest things ever. Ever. *Faints*
Literally breath-taking!
At this point, I decided I should share the playlist that I made. After a little technical difficulty I was able to "beam" my playlist to him, which was technologically AWESOME by the way!
Our dinner was DELICIOUS! We were treated to a three course meal, with a marvelously matched bottle of wine. First he and I had salmon cakes and stuffed artichokes. For the main course he and I had pan searched chicken, and bistro tenderloin. *drools* For dessert we shared a chocolate mousse berry napoleon. Fantastic delectable delights!
After dinner the original plan was to go see the new Die Hard movie. I was whatever whatever about it, but I was into seeing it. This is how I know the Bar Manager is a keeper; "I know we were thinking of Die Hard, but that isn't very romantic. Would you rather go see a zombie movie?" Sir, I think I love you.
SO, instead of seeing Die Hard, he took me to see Warm Bodies. Which was perfect! It was a really cute movie, a RomZomCom, or whatever the cool kids call it. Zombies. Romance. Shenanigans. Perfect! This is another movie I think I need to own. AND, another little thing, he held my hand the whole time. *sigh*
Strawberry Beer is better than it sounds
Between the Winchester and the zombie movie and and I stopped at a place
across the street to try a strawberry beer, which was quite delicious.
We then went back to the Winchester for Trivia and cocktails. We took over for another team that was leaving, and ended up coming in 2nd place overall. Not too shabby, especially since I was able to get us a couple of points with some nerd answers *brushes shoulder off.*
I think at this point this is when he started taking pictures of us. That was really cute! He said something like, "I think it's about time we got a picture of us" or something along those lines. We took silly pictures, cute pictures, kissy face pictures...it was really sweet. Then, after posting them to Facebook for the WHOLE WORLD to see *swoon* I proceeded to make one of them my profile picture. A very public declaration that the Bar Manager was my guy. He did the SAME THING! With the same picture! *melt*
Finely we were in my apartment again. I think at this point I couldn't take the anticipation anymore, and I sort of yelled at him to listen to his playlist. "Hey! You should listen to that. RIGHT NOW!" Patience and tact have never been virtues of mine, but he took it in stride, and started listening to it. He played it over the speakers of his phone. I tried to contain myself, not apologize for songs, or over explain why I had them in the order they were in, etc. Luckily this was one of the few times I could pretty much keep my mouth shut. I think he liked it? He sung along with a lot of the songs, and commented on others. SO, I think it was a success? He didn't hate it, and I am too scared to ask him what he thinks...so there's that.
He LOVED his cookies, though. He didn't know I had made Reese's Pieces choco-chip cookies, and those are one of his favorites. SCORE! He was very excited by them. He also really like the bacon, so that was a win. YAY!!! As a post Valentines Day treat, he and I had some of his bacon this
morning. We made candied bacon together, which is the first time I have
ever had that. It was VERY tasty. "Millionaire Bacon" was the recipe, and
I WILL be making that again. It would blow your mind in a BLT. *drools*
All in all it was an amazing Valentines Day. The best one I have had in recent memory. He is so sweet! And romantic! In the perfectly awesome, steak and zombie loving kind of way! All the little things, making sure I didn't slip...holding my hand....taking pictures with me and posting them in a public forum...and the way he looked at me throughout the night, really made it special. Oh, and not to mention the INCREDIBLE flowers! I...may or may not carry them from room to room with me at home, so I can see and smell them wherever I am. In a sort of obsessive way. They are so lovely!!!
Alright, alright, I will stop gushing over the Bar Manager, and get back to writing about going outside or playing poker. I just wanted to shove my happiness in everyone's face for a moment. I .... he... ok, ok, I won't get into the sappy stuff. He is the Bee's Knees, and I will leave it at that. For now.
