Pamela Ruth Parker-Martin

One of my earliest memories is of running away. I was maybe two or three years old, and I had busted out (yet again, from what I have heard) from the confines of my room. Like a child Houdini, I broke out of the Fort Knox style bedroom my parents had arranged for me. I did this a lot, running away. I was always headed to the same place, though. Every time I ran, or toddled, as the case may be, I was going to Pam's house. She was going to CSU at the time, living in Fort Collins in her charming little house with her husband Bruce Martin. I was headed up there, hell bent and determined to live with Pam and Bruce.

When I was picked up by police, they asked where I live, and what I was doing. I remember this very vividly...I told them that I lived in Fort Collins (I was picked up in Evergreen. A toddler off on her wild lone), with My Aunt Pamela and Uncle Bruce. If they could please give me a ride home, I would really appreciate it. I was "lost" and needed to get home. It was ok, of course, they were expecting me. The cops didn't buy it. Strange, I felt like I was pretty convincing for a toddler. They took me back to Gran and Tata and my mum, where I was spanked and promptly grounded (again) and denied the Winnie The Pooh special that was on TV that night. I never gave up trying to get closer to Pam, though.

Pam, Gran, and Tata at Pam's Wedding

Even Pam's cat was a huge influence on my life, and my family. Pam loved Russian history, and would often name pets Russian names. Her first cat that I can remember was a striped tabby named Natasha. I was obsessed with Natasha! She was a KITTY! She was PAM'S KITTY! Pam had to leave Natasha with my family and me while she was going to school at CSU, as kitties were not allowed on campus (which is a ridiculous rule, if you ask me). I barely remember this, but I have heard many stories about how I would toddle after Natasha, trying to get a squeeze on her. Being my charming toddler self, I was not able to pronounce Natasha correctly, nor was I able to say Tasha, instead it came out as Tata. "Tata! Tata! Here Tata!" Well, my grandfather (the wonderful man who helped raise me, often referred to as my "Old Man") thought I was talking to him! Every time I called for Tata, he would come to me, thus giving him his forever nickname of Tata. (For the record, I tried to scan and post a picture of Natasha, but my silly scanner isn't cooperating.)


Pam and Bruce moved to Tucson, so that Pam could work on her Masters (or PhD? I can't remember which). I remember one letter she sent to us that had a picture of her standing by her very empty mailbox. I vowed THEN AND THERE to write her every day! I was going to share ALL my stories with her, and help her to not feel so lonely so far away. I know I wrote at least one letter, and I feel like it was a thousand pages long...but it was probably one page, on one side, with a story about what the cat did that day. I am not sure if it even got sent to her, but I hope it did. I wish I had written her every day, even if they were all letters about kitties. (Again, I have this picture somewhere, but the scanner hates me)

My mum and I went to visit Pam in the exotic and distant Tucson. I was pretty pumped, I was getting to go on a trip, and I was getting to visit Pam and Bruce! Nothing could be better than this! I remember being told that I could pack a swimming suit, because the pool was open year round! The place MUST be magic!
I remember riding in the car in the middle of the night, and playing the license plate game with my mum on the way, all the while dreaming of things that we were going to do. Like swim! In the winter!

My memory is spotty at best, so my details of the trip are scattered. I remember trying desperately to swim in the freezing, but open pool. Determined to swim outside in the winter, but hating the cold of it. I remember that Pam had cable, and that the cable has this magical new cartoons only channel - Nickelodian! We went to the Sonora Desert Museum, where there were caves of awesome and big cats, and gigantic cacti! Mostly I remember being happy, and wishing I could stay with Pam and Bruce in this magical wonderland of palm trees, cartoons, and pools.

Pam and Bruce eventually moved back to Colorado, and into Littleton. This was a lot closer to where we were living in the Mountains, and I was beside myself that they were back! There would be sleepovers! Ice Cream! The world was a better place when Pam and Bruce were close. They moved into a little townhouse in Littleton, and everything was right with the world. Eventually, they started talking of having children of their own. This was beyond exciting! Granted, I was a little jealous that they weren't going to adopt me, but if they had a little one, I could come over and hang out with them and the new addition! YAY!

After what seemed like a lot of trying (I remember Pam was worried that they might not be able to have kids), she was pregnant! So exciting! When Emily finally arrived, it was the most wonderful day ever. Pam and Bruce were SO HAPPY, and Emily was so amazing. What a fun baby! I was lucky enough to help my mum babysit, so for the first few months I got to see a lot of Emily, which was awesome.

Pam, Sarah and Emily

Pam and Em at the Dino Park

When Em was still pretty little, Pam and Bruce took us to Utah to visit some of Bruce's family. We went to a farm, rode horses, then met up with Tata to go fishing and camping. Pam later made me a little scrap book of that trip, something I will treasure forever.

Then, in what seems like the blink of an eye, they were talking of a second baby! Sarah was born during a rather impressive snow storm, which had me worried. Em was worried, too. My mum and I stay with Em while Pam and Bruce were at the hospital. One of the sweetest things I have ever known was when Em was saying goodbye to her mum and dad, and she gave Pam a small toy to give to Sarah when she arrived. She wanted to make sure the new baby had something fun and comforting. Such sweet girls, but this isn't surprising considering who there mom was.

Time passed. Pam focused on her family, and I started to focus on my life. Pam was always my biggest influence, though. When I started failing in school, I remember being so disappointed in myself. Pam had gone to, and graduated from, Evergreen High School. I lasted one whole week there before I left. I was not doing well, I was not focused, and I managed to get into a fight in my first week. So, I transferred to a charter school in Lakewood. It was a hard decision, because I wanted so much for Pam to be proud of me, but at the same time all my friends that I was close to were going to the charter school, and I felt like it was the only place I could do well. I was teased relentlessly by Pam and Bruce for going to the charter school, and even though it was just teasing and sarcasm, it hurt. I wanted to be like Pam. Smart, successful, happy, and it started to feel like I had let her down. I was just some dumb dropout, not worth investing in anymore. To be fair, I was in a very dark place in my life, and was not handling ANYTHING well, let alone teasing from my idol. I eventually figured out that she still loved me, and was proud of my accomplishments, and was able to joke about my school choices with her.

When I started college, Pam, again, was the biggest influence in my choices. Pamela was the only member of my family to go to college at that time. She had majored in Psychology, so I figured that was a good place to start. I had a passion for it, but like most college freshmen, my passion was sort of wild and unfocused. I knew I wanted to get into psychology of some sort, but I also really wanted to work with people. Specifically criminals. I had an obsession with abnormal psychology, but I had no idea what to do with it. So, I started taking the pre-reqs at Red Rocks Community College, and hoped for the best. Pam was one of my biggest supporters! It was so awesome to be able to talk to her about all the things I was learning, and ask her the thousands of questions I had about psychology, college, and life in general. Being able to reconnect through my going to school was amazing. I was finally pulling myself out of my darker days, and I had a real cheerleader in my successes.

When her mother, my grandmother, died in 2005, I literally began to lose my mind. I lost my job, I was losing my house, losing my mind, and was starting to really believe there was no reason to live.  I had dropped out of school, and was floundering through my existence. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't think about doing something drastic. Losing my Gran, the woman who raised me, who loved me, who was one of my best friends and confidants, who was the family glue, tore me apart. I had struggled with some dark issues before, and with losing her those all came flooding back. I was a mess.

Pam and Bruce literally saved my life, again. Whether they knew it or not. They invited me over to their house, and sat me down outside on their deck (they had long since moved into a bigger house). I remember Tata was there, and I imagine my mum was, too. Again, my memory is spotty at best. Pam and Bruce were so calm, cool, collected, and kind. I remember it felt like an intervention. They asked what it would take to get me back into school, and what it would take for me to finish. How many credits did I have left until I finished my degree? What did I need to do to get back into the school? How was I planning on doing this? I didn't have any answers. They offered to help, and in doing so, saved my life. They offered me free room and board, if I went back to school. Bruce would build a room in the basement for me to use as a bedroom, they would feed me, and I could focus on school. I couldn't say no! They opened their home, their lives to me, just to I could get back on track.

While living there, I was still an emotional mess. One of the biggest regrets I have, and may always have, is something I said to Pam once. Well, indirectly. I was on Myspace, and wrote a blog post about how I was feeling at the time. It was hurtful, and rude, and I was ungrateful about my surroundings. I was still so dark and twisted up inside, no longer on the medications I should have been on, still reeling from the loss of my Gran, and after finally getting something I had wanted my whole life, the chance to LIVE with Pamela. I felt like an outsider. I shouldn't have written a blog about what was going on. I should have talked to her about how I felt. Mostly I was upset that I was letting her down, again, and that I was never going to be on her level. She read the blog, and confronted me about it. It was the only time in my life I remember ever seeing her cry, and I had made her. Out of all the things I have done in my life, of all the stupid mistakes, and trauma and everything else, hurting Pamela is the worst thing I have ever done. It still makes me feel sick to know I caused her pain. I feel like that changed all my relationships with her family forever.

I was young and stupid, and continued to make stupid mistakes. I dated abusive idiots, I rebelled against help that was given, and fought to be independent, hell bent to not rely on anyone. Stupid. The whole time, though, Pam was helping me to get through it. I managed to finish my degree! Well, mostly. There was a little bit of a mix up with one credit, that took four years to fix (again, with Pam's amazing help!), but I managed to finish all my classes! AND get a pretty decent GPA (I graduated with a 3.14 - enough to qualify for honors). While living with Pam, I was nominated to be on the National Dean's List for the second time, which was a pretty big deal, AND I made some strong contacts in my final classes. Even though I was still a mess, Pam and her family were able to help me pull through. While I was living there, Emily and Sarah became huge influences in my life, and decisions. Both girls are brilliant, and were doing so well in school, it drove me to do and be better.

My Mum, Me, and Pam at my Graduation.

When I was finally able to officially graduate, Pam was so happy for me! I wasn't planning on walking in the graduation ceremony. I finished my degree in 2007, but wasn't able to walk until 2011, due to that one credit mix up. I was sort of meh about walking, thinking that no one was really interested, and that I should just take my degree quietly and move on. Pam, however, was not having it! She convinced me to walk in the graduation ceremony, and I am so glad I did. She welcomed me into the Elite Club of Graduates that day. Finally! She was not the only one! Pam and Bruce were kind enough to throw me a little graduation party at their house, with balloons they picked out, yummy little noms, and some of my friends. Graduating college was one of the greatest days of my life, and I know I would not have done it without Pam's never ending support.

Pam and Bruce in France

I could talk about when she was diagnosed with Cancer for the first time. I could talk about how she is the strongest and bravest woman I know, working and supporting her family, while fighting a battle for her life. I could talk about how she beat cancer, and how it seemed to make her a little stronger and a little wiser. I might even talk about how, when she was diagnosed with Cancer a second time, well...I don't have words for how it made me feel. I won't, though. Pamela was bigger, stronger, and so much more than being a cancer patient. Even while she was fighting for her life, she was still the most vibrant, adventurous, and amazing woman I may ever know. She traveled the world! She CHANGED the world! She changed my world, and saved it a few times. While Cancer may have taken her life, it was not who she was.

Pamela Ruth Parker-Martin was the most influential, supportive, strong, beautiful, vibrant, brilliant, kind woman I may ever know. There are a lifetime of wonderful memories I have of Pam, a million pictures from her live that I want to share, a thousand and one things I want to say about her. All the times we laughed, the times we cried, the family we shared, the bonds of our lives. Her sharing in all of the good and bad...I know I am a better person because she was in my life. She taught me more than I can ever convey, especially in a blog like this. I loved her. I love her. I am so so thankful I was able to know her, and I will miss her for the rest of my life.

Pamela Ruth Parker-Martin

November 9, 1961 - August 4th, 2013

The Parker Family Flower - Daylillies. Pam had a tattoo of these on her ankle.