Fuck you Archer

Yeah, I said it. Fuck you, Archer.

Just in case you don't know who/what Archer is, Archer is a cartoon on FX that is aimed at adults. 99.9% of the time it is funny, nay, hilarious! Last night, however, I watched the one episode that wasn't funny. At all.

In case you have seen the show, the episode I am talking about is the one where Archer gets diagnosed with male breast cancer (Season 2, Episode 8, in case you were wondering). The basic premise, in case you haven't seen it or don't plan to, is that Archer's mother Malory goes in for a Mammogram. Archer decides to get checked out, too, and they find a huge lump. Archer is diagnosed with breast cancer. While terrible, it changes his whole attitude, he is going to "stay positive" and be nicer to those around him. Archer gets it removed, the Doctor says they got it all, and then everyone goes off to celebrate.

During the party at his flat, he gets a call from the Doctor. The Doc states that he was wrong, and that the cancer has spread to his lymphnodes. Archer quickly falls into a deep depression, and starts handing out deathbed confessions like candy at Halloween. Just as he is about to get to Lana, the female lead, and confess (or not) his undying love for her, the phone rings again. It's the Doc! He got the charts mixed up! Archer is going to be fine and is totally cancer free! YAY! Celebration begins again.

Then, as one might expect. The phone rings a few moments later. Oops, it's the Doc again. Turns out he was wrong, again, and that is HAS spread to his lymphnodes. Crying again, more deathbed confessions, once again skipping Lana.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

The sad thing is, I feel like this has been a lot like my life for the past few months (even years, if we are really getting dramatic). With my Mother and my Aunt both battling breast cancer, and now cancer in their livers, I feel like their various doctors have been throwing us on this same roller coaster. Yay! You beat breast cancer! You are fine! Nothing to worry about! This felt especially true, because just like Archer got a lumpectomy and was "fine," the same thing happened with my Mom. She got a mastectomy and was "fine." No need to even get regular scans to see if anything had spread. That would just be silly.

Then, WHAM! Oops, we were wrong, you aren't fine, the cancer has spread to your liver. It is now totally eating your liver, and you have seconds (well, weeks, but you get the idea) to live. They told us it has probably spread to all of her lower half.
But wait! They were wrong! It's just in her liver! Or is it? Perhaps it has spread? No...wait...it's...um...just...oh let's just do chemo and hope for the best.

That has been a roller coaster, too. Yes, it's working. No, it's damaging the rest of her too much. Yes the levels are going in the direction they should! The levels started at 100, no, 1,000, no, was it 10, 000? Is that possible? Well, now they are at 100. No, 75? Wait, 10? 100? Is that a kitten in your liver? You should do more chemo. You shouldn't do more chemo. Yes, but no, but maybe yes?

FUCK! Make up your damn minds! You went to ALL the schooling! All of it! You are a specialist in CANCER for crying out loud, and you have no idea what you are talking about. I feel like the Doc's are either crying on my Mom because she is at death's door, or throwing themselves ticker tape parades because they figured out what numbers her levels are actually at.

Not to mention my Aunt. Luckily she has a great support network, and a very fierce couple of daughters. Which is good. I would have snapped one Doctor's neck, after slowing roasting his eyeballs over a spit (with them still in his head) and popping his eardrums with needles.
I won't say what he said, or how he said it, but needless to say he is one of the worst doctors on the planet. My poor Aunt seems to have the worst luck when it comes to that, she has had a few very horrible people. To be fair, she has also had some AMAZING doctors and nurses, and she seems to be doing a lot better. Which is good. She has been on a hell of a roller coaster with her cancer, too.

So, while Archer was probably meant to be hilarious, it hit WAY too close to home for me. While the flip flopping phone calls all in the matter of an hour were funny to some, it was so much like real life that I thought I would cry, throw up, and break something expensive all at the same time.

Honestly, I am not sure why I am telling you all this. Mostly to get it off my chest, I guess. A chest, by the way, that I am increasingly paranoid about. I thought I felt a lump last week, and almost ran to the doctor. After a lot of further inspection, I figured out it was my ribcage. I have been so chunky for so long that when I felt something, I assumed the worst. There is no way it could be bone! Now I feel stupid...and glad. I don't want to be that girl in the office every five minutes because I am scared of the cancer demon.

In conclusion, fuck you cancer episode of Archer. The rest of the show is still very watchable, just this episode sucked. Also, more importantly, fuck you cancer.